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Sex + Relationships

Getting “Unlucky”: How to Deal with a Sub-Par Hookup

It isn’t just the guys who want a good hookup.  Collegiettes are looking to get lucky, too.  But how many times can we actually consider a hookup “getting lucky”?  Most of the time, especially if it’s a first-time or random hookup, it’s awkward, weird, and just not that good.  Hate to break it to the dudes out there, but not everything you guys do is Meg Ryan-in-the-diner-scene-in-When Harry Met Sally-worthy. Wise Sarah, collegiette of Florida State, defines “getting lucky” as “sex. And it has to be good sex. Because if you get some and it sucks… well, that is getting ‘unlucky’!”  Unlucky, indeed.  Think your hookup horror story is bad?  These collegiettes give us the worst (and the weirdest):

“I was hooking up with a guy, and after a while I realized how horrible of an idea it was. I tried feeding him every line I could think of to make it stop. Finally, I told him a friend of mine had a crush on him, so I felt really bad and couldn’t do ‘this’ anymore. He said these exact words: ‘Let’s just pretend no one else in the world exists right now.’ It was such a horrible line I started laughing out loud. He got the hint after that and stopped.” –Anna, Missouri State

“I had one guy ask me to scratch him so hard that he’d bleed, that would have to be weirdest and the strangest.” –Krista, Simmons College

“I had sex drunk in my boyfriend’s car and didn’t realize how badly I was cutting my legs up while doing it. I had huge bleeding scrapes on both knees which turned into ugly scabs. I had to figure out an explanation of how this happened, not only to my parents, but to everyone at his grad party two days later.” –CiCi, College of Media

“The guy started sucking on my toes….I was flattered that he would think so highly of them, but SERIOUSLY? I got up and left.” –Mia, Quinnipiac University

“Once when I was hooking up with a guy at a high school dance (classy, I know), he stopped mid-kiss, looked me straight in the eye, and asked, ‘Can I touch your tit?’ I burst out laughing and ran away.” –Emily, Hamilton College

“I was making out with this guy at his apartment for the first time, and he made the poor decision to take his shirt off.  Any physical attraction I felt for him was immediately gone once I saw how unbelievably hairy his chest and arms were—MUCH hairier than any guy I have ever seen before.  I did not even want to be pressed up against him while making out because of how grossed out I was by his hairy chest.” –Jacqueline, Harvard University

“I stayed the night with a guy after having sex with him.  The sex was good the first time, but I was woken up in the middle of the night by him trying to have sex with me again, while I was asleep!  SO weird!!” –Brittany, Johns Hopkins University

Yikes!  So when you know a hookup is not going well (see above for examples), how do you get out of it?  Should you suffer through and just laugh about it tomorrow with your girlfriends?  A noble choice, but no collegiette™ should stand for a dude’s poor performance.  Here are some ways to make your escape:

  1. ALWAYS have a friend check-in on you via cell during a first-time hookup.  If you’re having fun, don’t answer.  If you’re not, lunge for your iPhone, ready with your rehearsed phrase, “Oh no, Whitney, you got food poisoning?  Oh honey, I’ll be there right away.”
  2. You could fake food poisoning yourself.  Run to the bathroom, gather up your things, and apologize on your way out the door, “I knew I shouldn’t have tried the dining hall sushi!”
  3. Start crying.  “You remind me of my ex-boyfriend, and I just have so many FEEELLINGGS!!”  Dude will be turned off for sure.
  4. Pull the old sleep-and-run.  Pretend to pass out, and then sneak out once he has too.  Or go ahead and have a nice little nap and leave when you’re ready.
  5. Be honest.  It’s a bold move, but you could just tell him you’re not into it.  You won’t be saving his feelings, but maybe he’ll be moved to improve for the next girl that comes his way!

There you have it, ladies.  Be warned by collegiettes’ past nooky nightmares that not every hookup is a good one!  Next time a dude gets weird on you, remember your tips and get out of there.  Here’s to never getting unlucky again!

Allie Jones is an English and American Studies double major at the College of William and Mary.  She's interned at W magazine and is currently the Senior News Editor at The Virginia Informer.  When she’s not chatting up colonial impersonators in Williamsburg, Allie drinks too much black coffee and thinks about going to the gym. She enjoys singing for her friends and planning parties for her chapter of Kappa Kappa Gamma. Allie looks up to Liz Lemon, Carrie Bradshaw and Jon Stewart; 2 ½ of which, she realizes, are fictional characters. You can find out more about the high-brow television programs she watches over at her Twitter, @allierileyjones. 
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