Can we let you in on a little secret? You know those fantastically crazy sex tips you read every month in women’s magazines? Well, you and your friends aren’t laughing hysterically at them because it’s three in the morning and you’re deliriously nursing your third cup of coffee in order to pull off the highly sought-after sleepover all-nighter. You’re laughing because, sometimes, they’re just downright funny. And crazy. Did we mention crazy?
It can be hard to comprehend the depths to which writers go in order to come up with the sex tips that these magazines publish. When they involve everything from an inevitably ill-fated attempt at slow motion to an incredibly awkward sweat licking session, it seems odd to acknowledge them as serious pieces of advice.
A couple months ago we surveyed a panel of college guys to see what they thought about ten of the craziest sex tips we found in Cosmopolitan and Redbook. (Read it here!) It was the perfect long-awaited peek into a guy’s psyche. But, guess what? It’s time for the girls to have their say.
Let us reintroduce you to the crazy sex tips. They’ll either lead you to a hot and heavy night of passion or a silly and sticky night of giggles.
A. On a hot night, lick the salt off of each other’s sweaty bodies.
B. Run a rolling pin over his back and thighs during an erotic massage.
C. While you’re making out, use sour belt candies to playfully whip each other’s butts.
D. Heat up some massage oil and put it into a turkey baster. Then, use the baster to draw shapes, spell out naughty words, or create trails on his body – from his neck, over his arms, then down his back, butt, and legs.
E. Start by stacking six hair scrunchies on top of each other over his package. Then, remove them one by one using your lips and tongue.
F. Create your own erotic story. With hoochymail.com, you can send your partner a personalized sexy story starring just the two of you.
G. Begin with a slightly melted ice cube in your mouth. Kiss your guy and pass it back and forth. As it gets smaller and smaller, hide it in different places so he has to try to find it with his tongue.
H. Want to turn him on in ten words or less? This naughty text will do it. “I was a BAD GIRL and spent my lunch hour shopping. You can spank me later.”
I. Stage a sprinkler seduction. Wear one of his regular white t-shirts and skip the bra. Then, run in slo-mo through the sprinkler. Be sure to do a head toss and shake out your hair when you get to the other side.
J. Warm up a chocolate bar in the microwave for 15 seconds or until it’s gooey around the edges but not totally melted. Stand in the tub without the water or on top of an old sheet and have him use the bar to draw a trail down your body. Ask him to lick it up without lifting his tongue off of your skin.
Which tips were the girls most likely to try out?
F. Racy Story Time: Not exactly your beloved childhood bedtime tale.
“It’s fun and flirty. And it’s good for a long distance relationship.”
“I like to turn him on now and have him think about it throughout the day so when we see each other, he can’t wait to get dirty.”
G. The Ice Cube Game: This game will go from cold to hot in no time.
“I love kissing. It can be fun and playful or hot and sexy and this makes it a little of both!”
-Kelsey, West Virginia University
“It’s simple and cute.”
-Leigh, Quinnipiac University
Flashback: The guys answered F, too. Ladies, go ahead and brush up on those creative writing skills from the ninth grade. You might need them soon.
Which tips were the girls most confused by?
A. The Sweat Licker: Swapping salty sweat for sticky spit doesn’t sound like much of a turn-on.
“If someone was licking my sweat off of me I would just feel awkward and bad for them!”
“Ew, I don’t want to lick the sweat off his body. Gross.”
-Sarah, UNC Chapel Hill
E. The Sexy Scrunchies: Never thought you’d see scrunchie and sexy in the same sentence, huh?
“That’s just weird. I’d be nervous I’d use my teeth too much!”
“The fact that you would use hair scrunchies kind of freaks me out. Unless they’re brand new ones.”
-Deanna, University of Iowa
Flashback: Maybe it’s some sort of 90’s nostalgia, but the guys were way into E. Girls, unless you’re willing to compromise, start hiding those scrunchies. The boys will be searching.
Which tip gave the girls a case of the giggles?
C. Sour Belt Fights: You really shouldn’t play with your food.
“Whipping is kind of bizarre. Whipping someone with candy? I don’t understand.”
“I’m just interested in how much coordination it would take to be able to pull that off while making out. Also, ew. You can’t eat it after you smacked someone’s butt with it! That is a waste of candy.”
“They’re so flimsy they would be hard to spank with!”
-Danielle, University of Wisconsin – Madison
Flashback: The guys were also pretty confused by C. We can conclude that most people, guys and girls, prefer sour belts in their mouth, not smacking their heiny.
Which tip were the girls split on?
J. Drawing with Chocolate: We like chocolate just as much as the next person but…
Pro: “It seems fun for both parties.”
Con: “I’d rather just eat the chocolate and then we can have sex.”
-Ali, UC Davis
Pro: “Gotta love the chocolate.”
Con: “That is messy unless he gets ALL of it and it sounds extremely awkward to pull off. ‘Hey, guess what? I’m standing in the bathtub naked with this gooey chocolate bar. DO YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS?’”
Flashback: The guys weren’t in agreement over J either. We guess it’s good news for Hershey’s though. The chocolate’s going to be put to use one way or another, right?
Drawing the Line Between “Oh, no!” and “Oh, yah!”:
Even when the girls and the guys were into the crazy tips, they still proposed slight modifications to make them a little bit more…normal. We all read these tips with fascination every month. At least 75 percent of the girls we polled admitted to doing so and then bringing them to the bedroom. (The guys liked their suggestions, too. Remember?) But, only a few of the couples have pulled them off sans giggles, confusion, or pain. So, that leaves us wondering.
Do magazines include their super crazy sex advice just as a way to put women into a more adventurous mindset?
“Looking through sex tips has given me more ideas. I think I would say that it’s made me more adventurous, simply because many of the tips I would have never thought of on my own. Some are definitely just put in for shock value, but they’re always a good laugh.”
-Valentina, Syracuse University
“I think the main benefit for many girls, and at least for me, is that it gets you to think outside of the missionary position. Personally, I love to be creative and adventurous in bed, but it doesn’t come very naturally to me. I tend to revert to my tried-and-true moves in the heat of the moment. Reading crazy sex tips, even if you don’t follow them per se, helps you think about sex in a more open-minded way and explore your own boundaries and desires.”
-Sarah, UNC Chapel Hill
“Though chances are the ‘10 Hottest Sex Tricks’ are just variations on things that you’ve already done, just reading about them can get you fired up and can give you some new ideas.”
Can that also lead to us doubting our sex lives?
“Normally they just make me feel inadequate and inflexible.”
“Sometimes I get less confident about my sex life when I read them. I feel extremely unadventurous when I see things other women do that I would never think to try. It’s useful, but oftentimes I bypass them for being too out-there.”
So, if there is anything we can gather from what both the girls and the guys had to say about these crazy sex tips it is that in order to be comfortable you reserve the right to be selective. Different things work for different people; that fact is true in every aspect of life. Take the liberty to modify the tips. Find what works best for you and your man and run (to the bedroom) with it, but don’t be afraid to experiment now and then. After all, experiments can lead to great discoveries!
*Name has been changed.
College girls from around the country