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Sex + Relationships

A College Guy Answers Your Love Life Questions: How to Define the Relationship, and The Most Random Questions You Sent Me

Got a burning love life q? Consult our Real Live College Guy (he also goes by Chase). Each month, our RLCG will take you inside the college guy’s brain to demystify your tricky, sticky, icky love (can you even call it that?) situations.

Ready? Here goes!

When and How to DTR (define the relationship): I’ve been going on dates with a guy for over a month now, and we seem to really be hitting it off. It has turned into what feels like a steady thing, but we haven’t had a single discussion about what our status is. My question is, do guys initiate the discussion to DTR (define the relationship) or do they wait for girls to? How can I tell if a guy seems ready to have that discussion with me or if it’s too soon to bring it up? How can I bring it up without freaking him out? And I just mean having a talk to figure out what’s going on, e.g., are we dating other people? Sleeping with other people?, not necessarily asking him to be in a relationship with me (though that would be ideal), but either way I just want to clarify the state of affairs. -Need Clarity at Claremont

Guys rarely care or think about Defining the Relationship (DTR). It’s one of the last issues they think through when building a relationship. Guys will typically ask “what’s up with us” once they start to feel uncomfortable with the idea of you with other guys. Don’t be fooled though, they aren’t going to think about it much, it will be very spur of the moment. Most guys will play it cool and wait for that jealousy to kick in. Often, a male friend of mine tells me he’s not going to ask her out because “it’s just assumed” and asking people out is “too high school”. What he really means is that “it’s just assumed” now until he meets someone he really likes. To him, the status quo is fine, so there is no need to ruin a good thing by making it a real relationship.

For girls DTR-ing seems to be everything, and thinking about how and when seems to shatter stress cells. I remember, in vivid detail, a girl locking the doors of the car as she prepared for “the talk”. It could have been straight out of a horror film. Please don’t do this.

Unless you’ve got insane patience I’d say the onus, in my opinion, lies with the girl. First off, if you are unsure of the exclusivity of your relationship, you must figure out if he’s hooking up with other people. Talking to his friends is one way of going about it, or you can slyly bring it up in a relaxed setting. If you’ve been talking “intimately” for a month and he hasn’t mentioned any other girls, then you certainly have the go-ahead to be blunt and hash out exactly where you two are in your relationship. Preempt it by insisting that the past month has been a lot of fun for you and that you feel the time is right to become exclusive. Be honest and upfront about how you are feeling and see if he reciprocates. It’s a healthy conversation, but be prepared that he may not feel exactly the same about you as you feel for him. Knowing where you stand will keep you from getting ridiculously hurt. If a girl is honest with me, I’ll be honest with her.

Every week I get questions I put aside (for obvious reasons). This week I’m cleaning the inbox out. Please note the obvious sarcasm.

I read somewhere that guys don’t like curly hair “because they can’t run their fingers through it”. Is this true? I love my curly hair and this made me very sad. -Moping at Miami

Honestly, there is nothing worse than waking up with a mouth full of curly frizzy hair. One time I found a bunch of long curly hairs in my bathroom. My girlfriend at the time had straight hair. I spent nearly 4 hours cleaning my dorm. She later reveals that she is actually curly-haired and straightens it every morning. Yep, I hate it.

Chase, Why are you so attractive? I can’t help but stare at your perfect bone structure. -Yearning at Yale

A girl once told me it was my curly black hair, dark eyebrows, full defined lips, long eyelashes, puppy brown eyes, and charming smile. Oh perhaps it’s that my abs only rival “The Situation”’s. Maybe that’s not what you were asking. If you’re asking how I became this way, my beautiful mother created a beautiful baby.

Do Fraternity guys have a bond of only hooking up with girls and not taking it any further no matter what? -Wanna Date A Frat Guy

Fraternity guys are Neolithic simple folk. They drink, smoke, eat, and have sex. That’s it. It’s not that they don’t want to take the relationship any further and get to know you, they just can’t. That doesn’t of course apply to Ivy League fraternity folk, they’re real smart.

Hi, I can’t get any **** because of your articles; can you please help me? -Michigan Male Reader

Whoa! Sorry about that. Girls please disregard everything I have told you in the past. If you go to Michigan, stop everything right now and go find this poor MMR. Once you find him please email me and I will tell you exactly what to do.

What’s a triple-reverse babymaker? I can’t wait to try it. -Freak at Fordham

Break open a champagne bottle, light the candles, lay on your back, put your hands over your head, and start dreaming. Unfortunately, only one girl out there is going to find out the rest. It’s a little dangerous, and my pro-life readers may not approve.

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