You know that feeling of overwhelming optimism mixed with the smell of just-cut grass and freshly sharpened pencils? Yup, that’s right, it means another school year is here. This year you’ve promised yourself that your creepy, awkward, needy or otherwise unacceptable romantic behaviors are a thing of the past, but for some reason, we don’t believe you. Here are the nine things you absolutely must do to fulfill that romantic new (school) year resolution and get ready for a year of love:
1. Clean Up Your Contact List
Repeat after me: “The sad drunk-text-turned-booty-call will no longer define my Saturday night.” By actually, yes, we mean physically, removing male “acquaintances” of semesters past from your phone’s contact list, you won’t even be tempted to send one of those quick (but lethal) “what are you up to tonight?” texts. Plus, the really attractive bartender entering his number into your phone won’t be weirded out when he finds six Pauls, three “Matt–from the bar”s, and one too many “Hottie”s.
2. Brush Your Hair
I mean that metaphorically, of course (although, while you’re at it…). By feeling like the hottest, most put-together version of yourself, you exude a contagious confidence that is sexier than a Kim Kardashian home movie, if you know what I mean. Social psychologists believe that you’re 83%* more likely to approach a cute guy when you feel like you’re looking your best, so put on your “my-butt-actually-looks-good-in-these-jeans” jeans and knock ’em dead.
*I made up that statistic, but I dare you to prove me wrong.
3. Find A New Hangout
Ever wonder why you always seem to run into exes, old hook-ups and all their sleazy, gross friends? Probably because you’re always hanging out at the same places (let’s just hope they’re not saying the same thing about you…). Maybe it’s a student center, coffee shop, sports bar or restaurant; whatever or wherever it is, change it. Not only will you feel relieved to spend two consecutive hours without being forced to make small talk with a guy who has shared your bed, but you might actually meet someone new.
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4. Keep It In Your Pants
Attention collegiettes™ everywhere: he’s not going to buy the cow if he’s drinking the milk for free. Excuse the outdated, mildly nauseating dairy reference, but take home the point. Maybe he’s not whisking you away on dream dates because you’re already whisking him away to your bedroom, an arrangement that not only spares his wallet, but even gets him home in time for breakfast with his bros. It’s not going to be a love connection if he’s spending more time on you, under you, or in you than with you. Try to transition your romantic interactions from the bedroom into the light of day.
5. Take Physics
Ok, so this is a wildly stereotypical and borderline misogynistic generalization, but, from my limited experience, it’s true – more guys than girls take physics. A simple ratio gives you the leverage to randomly collide with a great guy at a much higher velocity than in your Art History class. Clearly I know nothing about physics… “Maybe we could study together?”
6. Keep Your Room Clean
No, not just to make your mother proud. If your bed is made and your room is clean, you’re more likely to turn your coffee date into a coffee-date-turned-movie-night. A study session can become a good excuse to causally invite him over, where you can do more studying… on your bed. The last thing you need is a reason to end the night early, and thanks to a tidy and well-Febreezed room, your date – whether or not he knows it’s a date yet – can quickly turn into some actual quality time together. He’ll fall in love with you before you can say “can you take your shoes off? I just vacuumed.”
7. Introduce Yourself
A shocking and groundbreaking revelation, I know. You already know you’re supposed to be approachable, and friendly, and outgoing, bravely introducing yourself to anyone in the room with confidence and poise. Now actually do it. Thanks. And you’re welcome.
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8. RELAX!
Whenever I’m frantically looking for my purse, I always find it once I stop freaking out and grab a glass of water, or go to the bathroom, or do something else (what does the fact that my purse is always in the kitchen or the bathroom say about me? But that’s beside the point.). This same principle holds true in the realm of love. Once you stop giving off anxious energy, accept your romantic circumstances, and just enjoy your love life (or lack thereof), you may just find what you weren’t even looking for.
9. Take Down Your Fake Relationship Status
You’re so hilarious! You’re in a ‘domestic partnership’ with your cousin, or you’re ‘engaged’ to your gay best friend. Besides the fact that the joke has already been capitalized and cashed in on (sorry… it’s over, and it’s not funny anymore) a potential suitor might be genuinely confused. How’s he supposed to know that your dashingly good-looking guy is into other dashingly good-looking guys?! Keep things simple (don’t worry, no “it’s complicated” pun here) and make it clear that you’re available.
If you’re still not smiling, you’re taking things too seriously (either that, or my bad jokes have hit a new low). Love is not a full-time job, and your complicated plans and color-coded Excel spreadsheet will probably only make things more difficult. Relax, enjoy, go on dates and kiss cute boys. I wish you all the love in the world; or at least another school year’s worth.