In college, all we want is to be asked on a real date. We threaten to swear off booty calls and hookups forever, waiting for that one Prince Charming who could sweep us off our feet and take us out to dinner. In the real world, the opportunity to date actually presents itself fairly often, and we’re all “please don’t make me go!” “You mean we have to talk to each other? Sober?”
First dates are arguably the most unique (read: awkward) experiences we will ever encounter, each complete with their own set of highs and lows, failures and successes. Here are some of the many thoughts that will likely pass through your mind the next time you find yourself across the table from a complete stranger you met on an iPhone app.
1. It’s 7:03. Does three minutes constitute fashionably late?
2. This place looks fancy. I’m underdressed.
3. No, it’s cool. I’ll look chill, like I just threw this on and look effortlessly fabulous.
4. 7:06, all right, I’m going in.
5. He’s cute, from all the way over here at least.
6. He doesn’t look like a serial killer.
7. He’s already sitting. Dammit, I needed to analyze his height compared to mine!
8. Handshake? Hug? Kiss on the cheek? SOS!
9. Why am I so awkward? It pains me.
10. I’ve forgotten how to speak.
11. Say anything.
12. The weather? Really? That’s the best you could do.
13. It’s okay he’s smiling. Just breathe.
14. He’s cuter than his pics actually. Bonus points.
15. Okay, let’s cover the basics: work, hometown, college attended, siblings.
16. Just pretend you don’t already know everything about him from stalking social media. Act surprised. Not too surprised.
17. Thank god the waitress is here. Saved by the menu!
18. I want everything in the “snacks” section. Self control!
19. Umm, yes I’ll split the fries! I thought you’d never ask. #soulmates
20. This is going well.
21. Does he think it’s going well?
22. We’ve had hardly any awkward pauses!
23. Am I talking too much?
24. Omg he hates me.
25. Nice, the food’s here. Try not to look too excited.
26. Okay, it’s really hard to eat and avoid lulls in the conversation at the same time.
27. What if I’m an ugly eater?
28. I kind of have to pee.
29. Why did I wear a romper?!
30. I’m going to hold it.
31. He’s pretty funny.
32. Wait, was that a joke, though? I don’t want to laugh if he was serious, and I can’t not laugh if he’s trying to be funny.
33. So the obvious solution is to make a creepy half-snort/half-grunt. Nice going.
34. Great, he’s going to the bathroom. Now, I can check my phone and actually eat my food in peace.
35. Wow, we survived an hour already.
36. Selfie check. I still look cute!
37. Has he been in the bathroom a while?
38. Maybe he has stomach issues? Or he’s climbing out the window?
39. Ahh, he’s coming back. Don’t stare!
40. Hopefully he doesn’t notice that I just shoved my face while he was gone.
41. Another drink? YAASSSS.
42. Is he playing footsie with me? Nope. That’s the guy at the table next to us. Cool.
43. I do think he’s flirting though. He’s laughing at all my jokes. I’m not that funny.
44. I kind of like this guy. But who am I to say? Have to debrief w/ my BFF (and my mom) later.
45. Oh sh*t! The bill! Dun dun dun…
46. Let me grab my purse and at least pretend to try and pay.
47. Well, it was worth a try.
48. He just spent so much money on me! What if he’s thinking I’m not worth it?
49. No, this does not mean I have to put out. Have some self-respect, woman!
50. He wants to walk me home? Aww, what a gentleman.
51. We’re getting dangerously close to my building. What’s it going to be??
52. Just be cool. Follow his lead.
53. There’s not even a name for the part of my face he just kissed. Somewhere in the no man’s land between my cheek and my lips. Yep.
54. Did he really mean “let’s do this again soon”?
55. Can’t wait to go home and recount every minute of this night to my roomie while I await his text.