What 5 Weird Guy Texts Mean, as Told by Guys

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We collegiettes have been texting since middle school. You’d think our years of crafting clever texts that are perfectly punctuated with emoticons would have taught us a thing or two about decoding text lingo.  Sadly, however, whenever a text from a guy lands in our inboxes, it automatically gets screen-shotted and sent to all our best girl friends—“What in the world do you think he meant by that?!”

Thankfully, you don’t need to go forth into the guy-texting world with zero guidance! We got our hands on a copy of He Texted: The Ultimate Guide to Decoding Guys by Lisa Winning and Carrie Henderson McDermott, and we’re laying the book’s advice for some of the most baffling male texting habits, from his text rants to when he doesn’t text you at all. This hilarious and essential guide from the founders of HeTexted.com will help you autocorrect your digital dating life, from decoding your Facebook friends to reading the intentions behind guys’ perplexing texts. The best part? Real live guys offer up their interpretations of these confusing digital habits!

The book will be available online and in stores April 15, but for now, check out some of the HeTexted Bros’ advice from the book below!

1. e txd: The guy only LOLs, WTFs and OMGs.

The context: By now, you’ve been on a few dates and are getting more comfortable with each other. You notice that his texts are getting shorter. And shorter. They’re barely clearing half a line. He’s taken to using abbreves and responding to your questions with one- or two-word replies.

He (Brian) says: When a guy uses abbreves, you can’t really dig a lot of meaning out of his texts, in terms of his romantic interest. But you can get an idea of who he is. No guy is going to be outright disrespectful and rude to a woman he is genuinely into. A dude of few letters might come off as shy. But I don’t see what that has to do with typing half a word or a full sentence.

I do believe a guy who takes a while to respond with a haiku of abbreves is not sending you a love poem. He isn’t making an effort and/or he doesn’t have much to say. As I’ve said before, when a guy doesn’t break a metaphorical sweat, he’s not into you.

2. He ranted: He sent a text that might have been a novel in progress, a political speech or an epic poem. Does the length and passion of his text prove the depth of his feelings for you?

The context: The long-winded texter sent you another long diatribe about how beautiful your hair looks in the sunlight or how the U.S. Constitution needs a page-one rewrite, or how Marvel kicks mutant a** all over DC Comics any day of the week. He’s not afraid to leave a text trail a mile long, which says a lot about his gumption—or complete lack of judgment.

He (Jared) says: Nine times out of 10, a guy who waxes poetic to a woman by text is a Player, especially if he does it early on, say, in the first month.

A non-Player wouldn’t dare go overboard with the romantic text language unless he and the girl have been dating for a whi… actually, not even then.  Using texts to ramble about your feelings is a huge cop-out. If he can’t say it in person, he’s using the phone as protection. He’s afraid to deal with expressing his emotions face-to-face.

3. He :) : He texted emojis of a car, an ice-cream cone and a heart. Does that mean he loves Dairy Queen, or you?

The context: One of the things you love about him? His smile. He’s got so many different variations. Sometimes he smiles and winks, or smiles with his tongue out, or with googly eyes or… hey, wait a tick. It’s not his actual face. He just really, really likes emojis.

He (Kenny) says: Funnily enough, I think emojis are even harder to decipher than words. Everyone uses them differently, and there isn’t a common meaning or interpretation for what they mean. Fifteen smiley faces in a row? It could mean he’s daydreaming about ice cream. It could mean he fell asleep with his thumb on the key.

I’d say the guy really likes you but is currently at a first-grade reading level. He might not have anything to say. So in place of words, he decides to embarrass himself with pictures instead. “Girls love this!” he’ll think as he hits Send. Sad, misguided [guy].

4. He lied: He said he was staying in, but his friend tagged a photo of him at a bar less than a mile from your apartment. Does he lie to protect your feelings and/or does he think you’re a moron??

The context: Do you cut him slack for cyber fibbing, believing that telling a lie by text isn’t the same thing as a guy lying right to your face? We call bulls*** on that. A lie is a lie is a lie, no matter how it was delivered.  If a man lies via text, can you trust him again?

He (Brian) says: Guys think they can get away with everything. So they lie and say they’re in one place, even if their actual location is accessible on Foursquare or via Facebook check-in. That is, if he’s stupid enough to drop a pin.

Men like their privacy. They don’t want someone watching them, or catching them in a lie. Social networks have made the gentle rejection impossible. You can’t let a girl down easy anymore. There’s no “something came up” and getting the benefit of the doubt. Some nights you want to see a girl. Sometimes you’d rather hang with your friends. Nothing personal! But girls often take it that way. Hence, the harmless little white text.

5. You texted… again: It’s 2014. Women initiate hostile bank takeovers. We run for president. We can send the first text. And the second. And the third… right?

The context: You’re a strong and powerful (not to mention gorgeous and brilliant) woman, absolutely.  And you have every right to text a guy. Send that text! Be unafraid! And if the first text goes unanswered, don’t cower and say, “He’s not into me.” Go for what you want. Eventually, you’ll break through the glass ceiling and his wall of silence.

He (Brian) says: It’s okay for you to initiate texting. If he’s wondering about mutual interest, he’ll be relieved when she makes contact. If you send the text in the right way—not looking desperate or too eager—great.  Something along the lines of, “Hey, it was cool to hang out with you. Hope to see you around,” could work.  A wavering guy will gain enough confidence in your interest to step up and take it from there.

A guy who stops texting altogether? The writing is on the phone screen—by its not being there. If it’s been a few hours, then he’s just busy. But if he doesn’t reply to you for several days, it means he’s lost interest. Or he’s dead in a ditch.

Be sure to pick up a copy of He Texted: The Ultimate Guide to Decoding Guys to read the meanings behind even more confusing guy texts. And since it’s the middle of formals season, HeTexted is giving away a $500 gift card to Nicole Miller! The giveaway ends on April 14, so enter now!