Ok, so to get right down to it, one of my good guy friends and I decided to take it further. And we were together for a few months. Long story short, the timing was off and we decided we’re going to try to make it work as friends instead of staying romantically involved. But now I’ve noticed that he’s clearly talking to another girl. I don’t think that’s the nicest thing for a “friend” to do, but I guess since we are now “friends,” then he’s allowed to do that? I just feel hurt, and maybe I’m not ready to be friends with him at all. Am I supposed to cut all ties with him altogether if I can’t handle seeing him with other girls? I thought I still wanted him in my life (at least as my friend). Please help. – Missing Him at Michigan
Missing Him,
First of all, I think it was really brave and open-minded of you both to pursue a relationship. Lots of girls are too timid to open themselves to the idea of dating guy friends, but it’s worth giving it a chance if it’s with a guy you like and respect. You also sound like you have a good perspective on things not working out. No one was to blame if the timing was bad.
Sadly though, having an even-handed view of things doesn’t make this hurt less. I am always so intrigued by former romantic interests who manage to be friends. How do you put the pain of loss and rejection (and there’s always rejection, even if it’s a mutual decision) behind you and reinvent your relationship? This guy may be able to still feel platonically attached to you, but everyone moves on at different speeds.
What makes things worse about this situation is that it makes your anger seems irrational. If he’s your friend, he can flirt or hook up with whoever he wants. It would be polite if he abstained from PDA in front of you, which it sounds like he has. Besides that, he doesn’t owe you anything. As harsh as it may seem, you need to distance yourself from this guy in order to give yourself time to heal.
The good thing is that you don’t owe him anything either. It’s obviously really important to you to do the “mature” and “right” thing. Take everything that happens to you in stride. Don’t look back on a past relationship. Be friends with your ex. Don’t be bitter. Show unconditional love. Human emotions never fail to mess up these ideals. It’s going to really hurt you to act like everything’s fine when you see this guy with other girls. I know you’re going to miss him, but you need to cut him out of your life for a while. Stop talking to him individually. When you run into him just give a cursory hello then walk away. If you find yourself still texting him or looking at photos of him with other girls, then delete him from your phone and Facebook. If it’s painful to even see him out with other girls then try to avoid social situations where you know you can see him. Don’t bother to talk to him about this; if he asks you why you’ve become more distant, then tell him the truth.
You will be able to move on from this more quickly without having him in your life. It sounds harsh and some of your friends, including this guy, may think you are being immature. Don’t listen to them. Do whatever you need to do to get this guy out of your mind, even if you’re not taking what seems like the high road. When you’ve moved on enough that the thought of him no longer hurts, reach out and try to be friendly with him again. Until then, it’s best to keep as much distance as possible between you.