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I got a text message from my ex-boyfriend from high school saying that he was in town and asking if we could catch up. Our 2-year relationship ended right before college and not in a good way; rather, it ended horribly. At that time his mom didn’t like the fact that we were going to go to college together and kept telling him that he was better off without me, so we broke up and went to different schools. I haven’t seen him for 4 years and when he came back I decided to meet him. After meeting him I realized that he is everything I want in a guy—he is the guy for me. It was like we were dating again (we even hooked up again), but I had to leave and he had to go back to school for his fifth year on the other coast. I don’t know where things ended and I don’t know what will happen. Is he going to contact me and try to make this work or will he just forget about it? – Confused at Carolina
Confused at Carolina,
It sounds as if your feelings towards this guy have been part of a long, drawn-out and painful process, and I’m sorry you have had to go through all of this. As to whether he will contact you or not, I really can’t say. What I can intuit is that if he reached out to you after such a long period of no communication, then he must reciprocate at least some of the pangs of attraction that you feel for him. However, you need to face the fact that a relationship between the two of you just may not be a viable option.
You don’t mention how much time you spent together when you were reunited, and I have to wonder if you’ve spent enough time with this guy to really know that he is the guy for you. You clearly have lingering feelings of regret, even anger, that your relationship collapsed when you went to school; this may be influencing your feelings for him. Four years is indeed a long time. He may have matured into a more independent person, but remember that he was swayed to hurt you before and could easily do so again. The two of you made a mistake by resuming a romantic and sexual relationship without first discussing where it could go. Now you have been left high-and-dry emotionally… again. That’s an awful thing to happen to anyone.
You need to take control. Contact him and ask him where he sees your relationship going. At this point, the time for shyness and concern for seeming needy has passed. Don’t get angry or upset; stay calm no matter what happens. But you need to express these feelings of confusion and see how he responds. If he has a plan for the future that is both realistic and respectful of you (not requiring you to give up the life you’ve made for yourself), then pursue it. But honestly I doubt someone who would be silent for four years has the sensitivity or assurance to pull off a long-distance relationship. If he is evasive or has no plan, then you need to cut him out of your life.
I realize this is extraordinarily difficult. No matter what happens, embrace the life you made for yourself without him. Concentrate on friendships and work and definitely pursue any romantic opportunities that come along. Don’t pin your hopes on this guy. Keep in mind that you moved on from him before; I’m sure you can do it again.