Anyone can suffer from partner abuse, regardless of orientation. Add to that the stigma that comes with being queer, though, and things get even more difficult. If you are undergoing abuse, whether it’s physical, mental, verbal or any other kind of violence, there are ways you can take action against it. Here are a few tips for recovering from same-sex partner abuse.
1. Recognize the signs of abuse
It can be difficult for a person undergoing same-sex partner violence to recognize what’s happening right away. If you think that you might be involved in an abusive relationship, take the time to consider the situation and validate your own feelings. “Let that little voice telling you, ‘Something is wrong! I am unhappy!’ be heard,” says Lydia*, a survivor of partner abuse. “If you are feeling nasty, let your emotions tell you what is wrong. You feel this way for a reason. You are not crazy.”
Taking a step back and really thinking about your relationship and what’s going on is a good idea even if your relationship isn’t abusive. “If you are in a healthy relationship, you will come back to your partner stronger after questioning your relationship,” Lydia says. “But if you are not, and you are suspecting that, then don’t be afraid to trust your own judgment.”
Keep in mind that physical abuse isn’t the only type of abuse, and every form of it should be taken seriously. “Just because you’re not being beaten doesn’t mean you aren’t being abused,” says Socorro Kenoly, a survivor of emotional abuse. “Recognize disrespect, confront it and leave. This could mean with the way your partner talks to or addresses you, this could mean controlling behavior, and this could mean the way they deal with other people they’re attracted to, like disrespectful means of flirting or sexual advances.”
There are a lot of different signs, and they can look different for everyone. Lydia put together a list of indicators that she was in an abusive relationship, including the fact that her partner was questioning her sanity, building up and then breaking down her confidence, and isolating her from friends and family. Evaluating your relationship like that is a helpful way to recognize whether you’re suffering from abuse.
2. Don’t be ashamed of your situation
Often, people suffering from same-sex partner abuse feel embarrassed or ashamed of what’s happening to them. They may also be struggling over their own sexual orientation, and if they’re still in the closet or uncomfortable with their identity, the two stigmas combined can lead to holding the problem in instead of outwardly seeking help. “Anyone that comes forward as a survivor of abuse is subjected to judgment about how they got into an abusive relationship, [or] why they stayed,” among other things, says Lindsey Mansfield, the Crisis Support Manager at the San Jose YWCA. “However, for folks from the LGBTQ community or really any marginalized community, there are additional stigmas and barriers. There may be the risk of being outed at work and losing a job, or being outed to your family and losing your home, or their support of any kind.” If you’re going through abuse, the stigma around what you’re dealing with and even who you are is definitely a lot to bear—but don’t let it take over. Accept that what’s happening to you is wrong, and don’t be afraid to seek help.
3. Know where to look for help
There are a lot of different places for you to find support in a scary situation. Friends and family members, for instance, will likely be there for you with open ears and open arms. However, if you can’t go to someone you know for assistance, because you’re not out yet, because you don’t trust them enough or for any other reason, there are also anonymous sources that you can turn to. “Sometimes online resources are very helpful for people that are afraid of looking for help, especially if someone can go to a library or get on a computer or someone’s phone that their partner doesn’t have access to,” Mansfield says.
For instance, you can call The National Domestic Violence Hotline (which offers further resources including an anonymous chat service) for LGBTQ+ people suffering from abuse) at 1-800-799-7233. Additionally, going to a police station, physician or hospital after being abused can be helpful. Each of these resources have trained professionals there to assist people suffering from partner abuse and ready to help. Abuse is a completely valid and important reason to leave a relationship. Don’t forget that help is always out there when you need it and that seeking it out is the best thing to do.
Related: I Was a Victim of Domestic Abuse on Multiple Occasions
4. Remember that it’s not your fault
People in abusive relationships often start to blame themselves for what’s happening to them. But remember, abuse is never the fault of the victim. A huge step to understanding that there is a problem and seeking help is realizing that you are not at fault for what has happened to you. Lydia’s partner tried to make her feel like she was responsible for her own abuse, which made her feel even worse. “I felt like I was going insane, questioning the validity of my relationship and not letting myself question it either, and my partner always telling me that everything was my fault,” Lydia says. “It was a huge mess. Someone who truly loves you will not let you feel that way.”
For Mansfield, it’s important to recognize what abuse is really about—power—and that neither the victim or other external factors are to blame. “Abuse is about a pattern of exerting power and control over another person. It’s not about someone losing control, mental health, stress, substance abuse, or a myriad of other sources people tend to attribute it to,” she says. “If that were the case it wouldn’t be happening behind closed doors and away from the public eye most of the time.” If you are undergoing partner abuse or violence, you did not cause it. Understanding that abuse is never the victim’s fault is a huge step in overcoming what you are going through.
5. Take legal action
If you’re suffering from partner abuse, you have legal options. There are a lot of advantages to pressing charges, says San Jose attorney Tom Flores. “Domestic violence victims are especially vulnerable to repeat attacks, and it is usually in the elected District Attorney’s political best interest to severely punish those convicted of domestic violence,” he says. Partner abuse is against the law, and if you choose to take legal acction, Flores suggests doing it sooner rather than later. “It is important to act quickly in order to protect yourself from continuing abuse, and to prosecute the offending party,” he says. He notes that documenting evidence of physical injuries is the best way to show law enforcement the extent of the abuse.
If maintaining anonymity is a concern for you, keep in mind that criminal records will generally keep your identity a secret. A lot of people aren’t fully aware of what protections for victims of abuse and laws around abuse are, or how they work. Contact an attorney and ask about the rules regarding abuse—you don’t have to say anything about your own situation right away. Flores and Mansfield both suggest working with trained legal advocates who work specifically with victims of abuse to decide what is the best course of action to take.
Same-sex partner abuse or violence isn’t something that you have to deal with alone, or something that you should have to deal with at all. If you need help, don’t forget that it’s always out there. The National Domestic Violence Hotline can be reached at 1-800-799-7233, and if you’re in an emergency situation, call 911.
*Name has been changed.