Here at Her Campus, sometimes we can be as lovey-dovey as they come. We obsess over our guys’ every thought, the incredible physiques they’re rocking, and the romantic spots we have in mind for our next date. Preoccupied by our love for love, we often tolerate the minor flaws that pop up in our relationships every now and then. But, just as the little things can make your relationship, they can also break it.
We caught up with dating coach and matchmaker Lisa Shield to determine when it’s right to stay in a relationship and when an issue demands a breakup. Read on to find out her advice and discover what five real college girls did when they found themselves questioning whether their relationship’s flaws were worth working through or not.
1. He’s Perfect, But: He smoked all the time.
“My ex-boyfriend of four years was perfect except for the fact he smoked a lot of weed and sometimes it really bothered me. He was amazing: so romantic, so creative, so artistic, so loving, and the best listener ever. We also had a lot in common and never ran out of subjects to talk about. In other words, we sort of had the prefect relationship except for that one thing. I would smoke with him sometimes but it always bothered me that he couldn’t do something like go to the movies and enjoy himself without smoking towards the end. More and more of his money started going to weed which meant less nights out and hardly any special dates. Our relationship started to get really routine because of the smoking and that caused more fights. The smoking and fighting broke us down into a very unhealthy and unhappy state and was a huge factor in our breakup.”
– Katie*, New York University
What Would You Do?: Out of the 100 college girls we polled, 78 viewed this issue as a deal breaker and 22 girls thought they could work it out and stay together.
Lisa’s Advice: “Despite all his great qualities, it sounds like this guy is addicted to marijuana. Addiction is a hard thing to beat. The more you try to force someone to stop the more they will resist you. Even if you’re right, you will start to turn into a nag. If you want the relationship to survive, you need to get outside help.”
2. He’s Perfect, But: He was way too overconfident.
“Last week I went on a date with a guy who thought he had the whole world figured out and it came off annoying and condescending. He told me this story about how two guys tried to convert him to Christianity and he was disturbed when they stopped being nice after he said no. He hated people trying to convert him but for the rest of the date he tried to convert me to his entire way of life: his sleep schedule, his athleticism, his love of reading, his politics, his lack of religion. The list goes on.”
– Jessica*, Quinnipiac University
What Would You Do?: Out of the 100 college girls we polled, 85 viewed this issue as a deal breaker and 15 girls thought they could work it out and stay together.
Lisa’s Advice: “If there is enough about the guy you like, tell him how you feel. You need to be diplomatic. Think about how it might sound. Say, “I really like you and I would like to go out again but there is one thing I wanted to talk to you about. You might not have realized it but some of your ideas are so strong that I sometimes feel like I can’t be myself with you.” Then listen to his response. If he tries to make excuses for his behavior, he probably isn’t your guy. But if he is willing to consider your feedback and tone it down, he might be a keeper.”
3. He’s Perfect, But: His family came before our relationship.
“Last year I started dating this guy and everything was going great. I knew he was really close to his family because they were always coming down to school and taking him out to dinner and his younger sister would come almost every other weekend and stay with us. I thought him being so close with his family was really cute and just another thing that made him such an amazing guy. I was very wrong! He started asking me to come to every family event with him and when his parents would come down for the weekend he wanted me to spend every second with them. It was too much too fast. We were just starting to get to know each other as more than friends and it was hard to do so when we were around his family all the time. We ended things not too long after they started and although he’s an amazing guy, having his family around all the time made it really hard to start a serious relationship.”
– Kelsey, West Virginia University
What Would You Do?: Out of the 100 college girls we polled, 10 viewed this issue as a deal breaker and 90 girls thought they could work it out and stay together.
Lisa’s Advice: “The first thing you would want to do in a situation like this is talk to the guy and express your concerns. If he can’t carve out some time for the two of you to be alone together you might take it as a sign that he really isn’t ready to be in a relationship. It’s one thing to be close to your family but he can’t expect you to be like another family member. Imagine what it would be like if you married him. What if the whole family moved in!”
4. He’s Perfect, But: His Ex-Girlfriend Was Still In the Picture.
“For the most part my relationship with my ex-boyfriend (Will*) was a good one, but one of the main issues was the fact that his ex (Victoria*) was still in the picture. Victoria was his very close family friend and from the beginning Will made it very clear that she was still important to him- not in a romantic way, but as a friend. It started becoming a problem, though, when he didn’t want Victoria and me to mix. He would choose between us, and she was his pick a lot of the time. For example, last New Years I invited him to come visit and stay at my house because I really wanted to spend that evening with him. He said maybe, but later informed me that he was going up to Reno to spend the holiday with his family and Victoria’s family. When the ball dropped that night I called Will and he told me he was at a frat party in Reno with Victoria. Not exactly the family time he told me would be happening. That was pretty much the last straw and after a year of dating Will and I broke up a few weeks later. Even though he didn’t want to choose between Victoria and me, he ended up doing just that.”
– Ali, UC Davis
What Would You Do?: Out of the 100 college girls we polled, 81 viewed this issue as a deal breaker and 19 girls thought they could work it out and stay together.
Lisa’s Advice: “Ali was right to break off the relationship. Regardless of the fact that Will and Victoria were longtime friends, she had been his girlfriend. By refusing to let the two women mix and continuing to see Victoria privately, Will created an awkward situation where Ali didn’t feel safe or that she could trust him. Romance can’t flourish when you don’t feel safe with your partner.”
5. He’s Perfect, But: His Communication Skills Were Terrible.
“My boyfriend and I are in a long distance relationship, which means the texting and phone calls are even more important. He used to take a while to respond which would make me a little bit annoyed. I know this may sound a little ridiculous, and I certainly have a life outside of waiting by the phone for him to respond, but I would get somewhat anxious when I didn’t hear back from him within 20 or so minutes. When it began to negatively affect our relationship, I confronted him about it and he agreed that he could be a little timelier with his responses. Since the ‘texting talk’ he seems to take a shorter time to respond and is sure to text me every night before bed, which makes me feel much better!”
– Sophie*, San Diego State University
What Would You Do?: Out of the 100 college girls we polled, 22 viewed this issue as a deal breaker and 78 girls thought they could work it out and stay together.
Lisa’s Advice: “When there’s an issue, it needs to be directly addressed, especially in a long distance relationship. In this situation, the guy listened and things improved. This is a really good sign. If things hadn’t improved or the communication had gotten worse, you might try talking about it one more time but it might just be time to move on.”
Have you ever felt your guy was perfect except for that one small thing? Did you work it out and stay together or did it cause you to fight and break up?
*Names have been changed.
Sources
Lisa Shield, Dating Coach and Matchmaker
Anonymous College Girls