This Is the Reason Why I'm Not Dating

I see a couple of different versions of my life.

In one, I'm in a city. I wear high heels with red soles and drink black coffee and hail cabs on my way to the office. I have a glass of wine in my loft apartment every night and I might have a cat but I’m not sure yet.

In the other, I'm with you. We live in a cozy house in the country and have two dogs and maybe a couple kids and we’re happy. It’s a version of my life that I never considered before but now I can see it every night when I close my eyes.

See, I’ve never been much of a small town girl. Something in me just always believed I would end up in some big city with this big, fancy job, and that would be my life. I craved sexy lingerie and dimly lit restaurants. I wanted to wear heels to get groceries and get my hair blown out just because I felt like it. I wanted a city life. Now I just want you. I want a life with you.

And so I’m not dating. I can't. Because at the end of the day it just wouldn’t be fair. Because no matter many things he did right or how hard he tired, it was never going to be enough because he was never going to be you. No one else will ever be you.

I’m not dating because I’m not interested in where he works or what his mother’s name is or what makes his eyes light up with excitement. I don’t care what school he went to or where he spends his summer weekends. I don't care about him.

I’m not dating because I like that other version of my life. It feels safe and warm. It feels like we’d have Christmases with our parents but we’d host Thanksgiving. It feels like our bedroom would be painted yellow and I’d wake up smiling. It feels like everything I’ve always written about but never imagined I’d actually get. I’m not dating because this life is inextricably linked to you and no matter how hard I try, I can’t unlink it.

I see a couple different versions of my life. One is me in a city. The other is the reason I’m not dating.