There are plenty of hard and fast dating rules that every collegiette™ knows, like don’t sleep with a guy you want a relationship with on the first date. We all know becoming sexual too fast often casts women in a negative light, but what about becoming emotionally revealing too quickly? Is there such a thing as ‘emotional promiscuity?’ We talked to collegiettes™ to find out what is fair game in the early stages of a relationship, how much is too much, and when you cross that imaginary line. Keep reading, collegiettes™!
What’s Fair Game
Okay, okay, I know you are all mature women who have had thousands upon thousands of conversations with cute guys. But we could all use a little refresher once in awhile, don’t you think? After all, too much confidence can lead to over-sharing, and that is what we don’t want. So which topics are perfect for the early stages of a relationship?
- Fun anecdotes from your past: cute stories about growing up, embarrassing moments in school, getting into trouble in high school, etc. Light and fun!
- School: whether it be an interesting class you are taking, your major, how tough your professor is, whatever. This is relatable.
- Hobbies and interests: tell him about your love for playing tennis outside on a gorgeous day, or how you can’t wait to create DIY Christmas gifts. These things make you stand out.
- Background: it’s nice to know the area a person is from, how many siblings they have, why they chose their college, etc. Stay surface-y though, and just offer general background information.
- Fun upcoming plans: tell him about a party the next weekend, or how excited you are to spend Christmas with your family out of town, or how you can’t decide what to do for NYE. Maybe you two will make plans, too!
While this list is by no means exhaustive, it should be a general guide and starting-point for topics to cover in the beginnings of a romance. What did real collegiettes™ discuss with their boyfriends on their first dates? We checked!
“It’s embarrassing but me and my current boyfriend talked about school for literally the majority of our first date. He’s older, and he was about to graduate, so we talked about classes and our majors, and that’s pretty much it. Yikes, right?” – Lauren, a student at the University of Colorado – Boulder
“It was a little awkward so we stayed on pretty neutral topics trying to feel each other out. I think we talked about how excited we were to go home later that month and how stressful the semester had been. We had also been to a few of the same parties so we talked about funny things that had happened and our mutual friends.” – Taylor, a student at the University of Missouri
“We met because we were in the same student organization on campus, and so we really just talked about that all night. A little boring, but we went to a party after, and then we spent the night gossiping about everyone in the room!” – Allie, a student at the University of Wisconsin – Madison
So there you have it, collegiettes™. It may not be sparkling conversation, but you have to have those lighter conversations before you can start talking about deeper stuff!
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What’s Too Much
No matter how comfortable you are with your new guy, there are some topics you should steer clear of until you have been seeing each other for an extended period of time – a few weeks, at least. So what kind of things are reserved solely for boyfriend-status?
- Any kind of drama (and I mean any): guys don’t want to hear about your roommate’s tendency to leave her dirty dishes in the sink, or how your mom is really upset about your credit card bill last month – leave this kind of drama for your best friend.
- Past relationships: sure, maybe your ex-boyfriend meant a lot to you. Or, maybe he left you damaged with tons of trust issues. Either way, your new guy doesn’t want to hear about any guys who were in your life in the past, unless they’re family… or gay.
- Family Issues: every family has their own problems, but those are things that should be kept personal until you have a deep connection with someone. He may be scared away if you’re discussing your parents’ divorce, or your aunt’s difficulty having children. Wait until you know him better to discuss these issues.
- Your life plan: yes, almost every single girl has a life plan – engaged at 27, married at 28, baby on the way at 30… but does your new guy need, or even want, to hear about this? No! This is a surefire way to scare him away.
- Controversial Issues: so what if it’s headline news? You don’t need to be debating the pros and cons of the presidential candidates, or arguing over whether Sandusky really should have been fired. These are surefire ways to start a fight and ruin any potential relationship you may have in the future.
Sure, there are exceptions to these rules, but this is a safe guide to follow. In general, try to follow these guidelines to ensure a fun first date. Otherwise, you run the risk of being dubbed ‘emotionally loose’ and therefore pushing him away. Take it from these collegiettes™ who revealed too much, too soon:
“A really cute guy I had been flirting with in my class finally asked me out, but it was horrible timing: I had just found out my grandpa was really sick. I didn’t want to lose my chance, so I went, but I spent the entire night upset and sometimes even crying. He was perfectly nice about it, but needless to say, we didn’t see each other again.” – Melissa, a student at Indiana University
“I had just been dumped by my boyfriend of a few years, and it was probably too soon for me to be going on a date, but I wanted to prove to myself I was still attractive. I spent the entire date talking about how I wanted to get revenge on my ex and how I couldn’t wait to show him up. My date quickly let me know he wasn’t going to play my game.” – Jenna, a student at Cornell University
“I have a tendency to talk way too much when I’m nervous, so I spent my entire first date with a guy talking about anything and everything. I think he was turned off by that, and I’m sure by the end he had heard more than enough.” – Jenny, a student at the University of Southern California
Yes, sometimes opportunities arise in conversation to be open and honest about emotional topics. However, it probably won’t happen with a new guy for a while, so stick to the basics.
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What To Do If You Cross the Line
We’ve all been there, quickly shoving our foot in our mouths, wondering why in the world we said what we just did. It’s okay. Revealing too much too soon isn’t going to ruin your relationship, as long as you know how to handle it.
Situation 1: Oops, I just told him I miss my ex
Reel this back in quickly by being honest. Yes, you miss your ex because you were so comfortable with him, but you’re glad that you’ve met someone new. Or, explain that you just miss the comfort of a relationship because you’re a relationship person. No matter what, make your comment about you, and not about how great your ex was.
Situation 2: Oops, I just told him I want to be married in 5 years
Okay, so he is probably a little freaked out. The best way to handle this situation is to laugh it off and change the subject. He probably assumes that every girl feels this way so as long as you don’t make a big deal about what you said, you can safely assume he will be instantly distracted by the change in topic.
Situation 3: Oops, I just told him my family secrets
Although this is personal and you might be embarrassed, he probably won’t mind. Just act as though you are just as surprised as he is (and you probably are) by saying, “wow I can’t believe I just told you that – I’m so comfortable with you, and I’m having a great time.” Anything along those lines will relax him and make him feel great about himself.
Situation 4: Oops, I insulted his opinion
Maybe you argued about politics or religion. Whatever the case, things got a little heated, and now he’s mad. The only way to handle this is to apologize and say, “I didn’t mean to insult you, I was caught up in the conversation.” Explain that you are glad you can have stimulating conversations with each other, but you hope you didn’t hurt his feelings. He will move on in no time!
So while yes, it’s possible to be ‘emotionally loose,’ there are tons of ways to avoid it or even recover from a slip-up. Keep our tips in mind, and you’ll be charming your dates in no time!