Broke from calling late night love lines for advice? Looking for the lowdown on the hoedown when it comes to college guys? Real Live College Guy Sean is here to help you pick apart the mind of the average college guy. Whether it’s avoiding that awkward weekend hook-up, or full-on relationship advice, Sean is here to save the day!
This guy and I were seeing each other for about a month – we went on two dates, but mostly just hooked up at his house. However, I was a virgin at the time and I never let us go all the way. After about a month, he ended it with me after a date, saying, “I just can’t be in a committed relationship right now.” For about two weeks, I continued to feel really unsettled about the whole thing, so I eventually asked him if we could talk, which he agreed to. I went to his house and we chatted about everything, and I told him I wasn’t expecting a relationship so quickly, and that we could still hook up and hang out without defining what we are. He said he wasn’t ready for a relationship, with me or with anybody else. Later, when I was flirting with some guys at a party, he clearly got very jealous and came right back to me. I was really drunk, went home with him, and lost my virginity to him that night. Since then (it’s been almost two months), we’ve just been hooking up regularly (I usually see him 2-3 times a week,) texting some, and he’ll occasionally make plans to do things, like see a movie, or go shopping or camping (sometimes he follows through, sometimes he doesn’t.) We did make plans to go shopping together this week, though. And last week, he told me to stay at his house while he went to his early class. I fell asleep, and when I woke up, he had gone to the grocery and surprised me with breakfast. I was okay with just hooking up for a while, but now I really want to be in an exclusive relationship, even though I’m afraid to bring it up. I’m almost positive he isn’t seeing anybody else, and I’m not seeing anybody else. I also feel like he truly does like me, but is afraid of relationships. I don’t get any weird vibes from him. He doesn’t seem like he’s keeping things from me, he isn’t weird about me seeing his phone or computer, etc. I don’t know what to do. Should I forget about him, give it more time, or just talk with him? – Dying to Define at Duke
This is tricky because as a guy, I’d ask, “Why complicate things if you’re happy?” But as an RLCG, I have to ask, why hasn’t he committed by now? Unlike a lot of things I’ve been asked, this guy seems to have turned himself around, which is refreshing to read.
Being quite honest, his mind may have been turned by the whole sex thing. While guys can say that they’re fully open to dating virgins, there are realities, which can be hard to ignore. Dating a virgin can be a big commitment because you have to be super patient and with a lot of college guys not wanting to do that, it’s easy to lie and say, “I’m not looking for a relationship right now.” By losing your virginity to him, he may have also seen that you trust him with something special. Either that, or when he saw you flirting with someone else he may have realized what he’d be losing. Regardless, he’s come around and things are great (I mean, if he’s comfortable with you seeing his computer/internet history, he’s got to be feeling something strong for you).
From what I gather, the two of you are friends with benefits at this point. When he says “we should see that movie” or makes off-handed quasi-plans like that, it’s a good indication that he enjoys spending time with you at least. This is, as it seems, a good thing, because guys tend to only say stuff like that if we see you in our immediate future. Coupling this with the fact that he surprised you in bed with breakfast sort of gives the indication that he may be ready for something serious. If he hasn’t being seeing anyone else and doesn’t seem like he’s living some James Bond-style double life on you, then I’d say it’s a fair time to define the relationship.
However, if you do this, keep it casual. If you stay the night, bring it up when the two of you are lying in bed in the morning. If things go well, great! If they don’t, then the morning provides a myriad of excuses for escape (“Oh man! How could I forget about my 8 a.m. lecture?”). While he said that he wasn’t looking for a relationship a while back, he may have changed his story. The only way to know is to talk to him directly about it.
For once, I feel like I like this guy. Yes, he initially told you that he wasn’t looking for something serious and it seems like he hasn’t done much to lead you on. Now, he’s started to subtly commit to you through his actions. It isn’t often that I like the men in a reader’s question (so, bravo anonymous bro). All in all, just talk to him about it. If he’s told you what he’s wanted in the past, he’ll probably tell you now.