Got a burning love life q? Consult our Real Live College Guy (he also goes by Chase). Each month, our RLCG will take you inside the college guy’s brain to demystify your tricky, sticky, icky love (can you even call it that?) situations.
Ready? Here goes.
All of last year in college, I had a “friend with benefits.” We ended the year on the same terms and live in different cities during the summertime. Do you have any advice or tips on how to take our relationship to a more serious, exclusive level next year?
-Got Attached at Gettysburg
I am going to be quite honest with you GAAG: it’s probably just time to move on. If things aren’t serious after a year together, they just aren’t meant to be. Unless he went through some traumatic past breakup, or he lost a limb in a zombie apocalypse, he seems rather uninterested in you, and more interested in your benefits.
If you still think there is hope, open your mouth and ask him—what do you have to lose? Yep, you might think you sound like the crazy girl who’s too needy, but secretly every guy expects that time to come with any “friend with benefits” situation. It’s inevitable that girls will ask and as surprised as we may sound once you do try to take things to the next level—we’re not. Guys often love no-obligation hook-up buddies and fear the day when their views on the relationship need to be revealed. It could be the fear of the status quo’s demise or the fear that our female buddy doesn’t like us as much as we like her. We really do love honesty, though, so if you confront him with the truth he will either a) call things off or b) express his love so you two can ride off into a happily ever after. Either way, you win, and he knew it was coming.
Specifically, always ask him in person. Keep in touch over the summer (see my past article on that), and if things are still good in the fall, call him over, and go for a walk. Explain how you feel and how you want to be treated as more than just a booty call. This will keep him from “accidently signing out of gchat/Facebook” or from “his phone dying mid-text” when you try to bring it up over the summer. Also, talk to him early in the year, before the benefits begin again. Don’t think a reminder of the past benefits will shock his memory into liking you more. You need to reinstate a different image of yourself as a serious girl in need of a serious guy. In other words, let him know he needs to take notes from Justin Bieber’s “Boyfriend.”
I met this guy a few summers ago, and for the past few summers, we have been in the same city, but we don’t go to school in the same city during the year. Every summer, he gets in touch with me, we start dating, and then it either fizzles, or he gets busy with other things, or then the summer is over, etc., and basically it never really gets off the ground. Each time, I assume he just wasn’t that into me… but then a few months later or the next summer he’ll contact me again, wanting to start things up again. What’s going on here? If he was actually interested, wouldn’t he have put in the effort one of the other times we’ve dated rather than let things fizzle? Does he think there’s still unrealized potential? Or I’m just a fun hook-up? Or does he forget why he didn’t end up liking me last summer, and then tries again? I keep thinking this thing is over and then he resuscitates it. -Flabbergasted at Franklin & Marshall
Instead of listing the ten million reasons he may not want to date you all the time, I am going to list a few of the more popular male thoughts on the subject. Please remember these are merely suggestions, not fact.
Distance and Obligation. It’s possible he’s just one of those many guys who’s been hurt badly by a past relationship. He can’t trust or deal with the commitment that comes with joining Team Long Distance. The best way to know if this is the case is to ask about previous relationships. If he’s closed off and angry about the subject, he’s probably embarrassed or nervous talking about a certain someone. He likely can’t deal with the agony of a long-term girlfriend. Of course, I don’t mean to say that individually you are an agonizing girlfriend, ‘cause most, if not all, long distance girlfriends are sweet and understanding.
Summer Booty Call. In my honest opinion, this is probably it. At risk of losing all my guy friends, I’m going to tell you to try cutting back the physical intimacy. Don’t let him use you as a summer booty call, but force him to “court” you. If he starts to pull away, we have found our solution. Then again, this technique can cause him to hate you forever. So if you like summer fun, too, don’t do it.
More Free Time. School, work, sports, and college friends all take up a lot of time during the year. As soon as summer starts, all that goes away. Most guys find themselves with a lot of spare time. Some watch more TV, some play video games, some write Her Campus articles, but some take up time with a girl. It’s possible he just needs to fill his time and knows he’s too busy during the year for a serious lady in his life.
Girls Wear Less Clothes in the Summer. It’s a fact—girls are more attractive during summer. Shedding away those layers of fur and leather reveals something every guy waits for impatiently all winter: skin. Every winter my poor friends trapped in the northeast declare, “Damn, the girls here are ugly. I wish I went to UT (Texas, sorry Tennessee) or Florida State.” Then every spring, they say, “Wow, I never knew so many attractive girls went to this school.” This repeats EVERY YEAR. Of course, I am sort of joking, but you get my point.