I am sure nearly every girl has been tempted at least once or twice to look through her boyfriend’s text messages or log in to his Facebook. Maybe you did just once in the past, or maybe you do so on a regular basis (read: once a day… okay, okay twice at the most). And while maybe a little monitoring is necessary, how far is too far? What would be a deal-breaker for a guy if he knew? How damaging is this behavior? Her Campus explores the good, the bad, and the crazy when it comes to ‘checking in’ on your boyfriend.
Define Monitoring
Okay, okay so not every behavior can be labeled as ‘monitoring.’ If you accidentally glance at your boyfriend’s phone when it lights up with an incoming text, I’d say you’re probably safe; I mean, “Bar Girl” might really need his help! But what about when you snag his phone while he’s sleeping to read through all of his texts? Or when you log in to his email to see just who he has been talking to? We put together a list of behaviors that would be considered ‘monitoring’ your boyfriend:
- Logging into his Facebook on a regular basis to read through his inbox messages, check his notifications, and look at his event invitations
- Stealing his cell phone to read through his text messages, check his call log, and look for new contacts
- Logging into his email account to read his inbox, outbox, and deleted messages for any information you can find
- Asking his friends for information on what he has been doing, who he has been hanging out with, and where he is at all times
- Stopping by places he says he’s going to be to make sure he is there, to check who he is spending time with, and to make sure you know what he’s doing
Obviously this is not an all-inclusive list. “I would go on my boyfriend’s Skype account to read his conversations with whoever he talked to,” says Liz, a student at the University of Missouri. “It became an obsession – I checked it all the time, and I never found anything. I had to move on eventually and realize I was acting crazy.”
Behaviors like checking in with his family to get information about him, reading through his tweets to see where he is, etc. all count as ‘monitoring’ your boyfriend. So now that you know what it means to ‘check in’ on your boyfriend, we will discuss the implications of this behavior.
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What’s a Deal-Breaker
It’s possible that your boyfriend monitors you, too (it sounds so creepy, right?), but somehow I don’t think that would change his feelings on your behavior. To verify this, we asked college guys from across the country how far is too far when it comes to checking in:
“The first thing my ex-girlfriend did [when we were dating] when she saw me was grab my phone to go through my texts. She knew it made me uncomfortable even though I wasn’t hiding anything, but she clearly didn’t trust me at all. Eventually, I told her that I was going to end things if she couldn’t find a way to trust me. She couldn’t so we broke up.” – Frank, Boston College
“I think it’d be a deal-breaker if a girl did any of those things [logged into my Facebook, went through my email, read my texts] if she had no reason to do so. Maybe if I had a history of cheating or something it’d be understandable, but if not then I wouldn’t tolerate that from my girlfriend.” – Tyler, University of San Diego
“I think I’d really have the biggest problem with her going through my phone. It’s so personal and what I talk about with my friends is my business. Plus, if I were ever going to do something she needed to worry about, I wouldn’t leave evidence in my phone so it’s just a pointless invasion of privacy.” – Payam, University of Illinois
“I wouldn’t really care if she went through my emails because I only use them for school and work stuff. But anything else would really bother me. If she had concerns about something, she should come to me first.” – Ryan, University of Missouri
“I don’t like the idea of someone creeping through my Facebook. I have private inbox messages with my friends, and I also message with my friends too. I wouldn’t read through her stuff so she should have the same respect for me.” – Will, University of Michigan
While each guy had a definite problem with any kind of snooping, it seems that most had a major issue with going through his cell phone or Facebook – it brings the phrase ‘Facebook stalker’ to a whole new level, don’t you think? If you have the urge to monitor your guy, then you must suspect he’s doing something wrong. If you feel so strongly about it that you can’t keep your hands off his phone, then you need to address the trust issue itself, whether it’s caused by his actions or your insecurities.
Either way, now you know, so it’s time to learn how to resist the urge to snoop.
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How to Deal
Invading your boyfriend’s privacy can create a major rift in your relationship if he finds out, as it will make him feel like you don’t trust him. Furthermore, calling him out on anything you find is negated by the fact that you searched through his private stuff. Even if he’s been flirting heavily with Kelly from his math class, you’re at fault too. This can lead to a breakup. “I confronted my boyfriend after I saw a text message from his ex-girlfriend in his phone saying she missed him,” says Katie, a student at Georgetown University. “He had an explanation for it that made sense, but he never forgave me for snooping through his phone and throwing accusations in his face. He was angry with me for a while, and eventually he ended things because he couldn’t trust that I wasn’t still looking through his stuff.”
It’s understandable to want to know everything about your boyfriend’s life, but at some point you have to put faith in your boyfriend. If there’s something worth sharing, he will share it with you. If he doesn’t, it will come out eventually. Either way, there’s no excuse for invading his privacy.
If you really don’t trust your boyfriend and think he’s hiding something from you, confront him. It doesn’t have to be an aggressive conversation, but you should make it clear that you have concerns, and you would like an explanation so that you don’t come to your own (possibly incorrect) conclusions. Upon his response, you have to decide how you want to move forward. If you really can’t trust him, then it might be time to move on. “Trust is the basic foundation for every relationship,” says Jessi, a student at the University of Missouri. “I always had a nagging feeling that my boyfriend was fooling around behind my back despite his reassurances. Eventually, I had to move on for my own sanity.”
We put together a list of the negative consequences of snooping so that you realize what you’re doing when you engage in this behavior:
- Loss of Trust: Your boyfriend will feel as though he can’t trust you to respect his privacy, and depending on what you thinkyou find, you will feel as though you can’t trust him
- Feelings of Deception: Your boyfriend will definitely feel as though you betrayed him by going behind his back to snoop through his personal information
- False Information: You may take something out of context, leading to a misconception about your boyfriend’s behavior
- Unfounded Accusations: It’s possible that you will feel the need to accuse your boyfriend of something that didn’t happen because of what you find when you snoop
- Bad Reputation: Your boyfriend will lose respect for you as a person, and word may get out that you snoop and have no trust in your boyfriend
- End of Relationship: Your boyfriend may end things if he finds out you’ve been monitoring him, and you may end things if you feel as though you can’t trust him because of your interpretation of what you find
It’s always better to go to the source than to try to find out information through snooping. Be careful, collegiettes™, monitoring your boyfriend has consequences!