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    There you are. Four drinks in, quite literally “buzzing”, but still, no amount of gin and tonic could get you to talk to the person you “fancy”. What would you even talk about? The weather? Boring. What classes you are taking? Lame. The political climate? Too risk-ay. Here are some fool-proof talking points I came up with. 

  1. Talk about their culture.

Ask where they are from. If they are from Florida, tell them about the time you met Mickey Mouse–they’ll eat that shit up. If they are from Egypt, tell them you are Cleopatra. If they say they grew up in London, put on a British accent. This way you will immediately connect and they will feel much closer to you. 

  1. Find a common person you both dislike and trash on them.

    Ask them immediately who they least like at Yale. Is it the asshole in your PLSC 114 section? Absolutely obliterate their reputation. Is it Bernadia who you have never met? Tell them you don’t know her, but she has a stupid name.

  1. Talk about money

    Nothing gets the juices flowing like a casual conversation about those leafy greens. Ask them how much money they make. Whatever their answer is, triple your response. Tell them about your plans to secure more greens in the future–watch them begin to fall in love with you.

  1. Talk about sex

    Your best off just telling them immediately your intentions. Don’t play any games. Just walk up to them and say “I’m thinking we should probably have sex,” but then add in “don’t say yes or no, just find me in 10 minutes if its a yes.” This way, if you get rejected, you can just pretend it’s because you’re too damn good at hide & seek.

  1. Don’t talk

    Words can be overrated (for example, look at all the trash content prior to this sentence). Just go up to them and don’t say anything. Stare into their eyes. Tell them your life story with only the dilating rhythm of your pupils. Salsa with them. Try a Waltz. If they talk to you, act like you didn’t hear them. If they ask if you heard them, just smile and laugh. If they keep talking put a finger up to their mouth then slowly invite them to a spinning competition in which you both get dizzy and fall into each others arms which will leave them wondering who that mysterious angel was who invited them to a spinning competition.


Sophomore at Yale University. Philosophy Major. Lover.
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