You’ve got a cute new date this weekend. They’re taking you out to dinnner. Yes, to an actual dinner. Not a bar, not a party, not “netflix,” a real dinner date. Here are five tips to help you enchant your new boo … Kiran style.
1. Order the median item on the menu
If you order the surf & turf lobster and filet get ready to either pay for it or never be asked out to eat again. Alternatively, if you order the 50 cent salad, things could get awkward when you finish and they’re still halfway through their cacio e pepe. Can’t go wrong with the chicken parm.
2. Be funny
If you can’t make them HAHA say goodbye. Everyone loves a good laugh. If you’re not funny just laugh at everything they say. If you can’t fake a laugh, hide flashcards of Dwight Schrute or Yogi Berra quotes, and use them as conversational crutches when you run out of things to say.
3. Compliment them
The first thing you do when you see your date should be to tell them they look lovely. If that’s too general of a compliment, look them up and down and pick out everything you like about them: their tight biceps, their upper lip, their nail beds, these luminous lashes, their receding hairline… The list goes on. If you want to get really deep, consider complimenting something nonphysical, like their taste in deodorant or their sense of memory.
4. Psychoanalyze them
If they order sparkling water, ask why they did that. Is their life so dull that the only excitement they get is from the bubbling fizz of carbon dioxide gas under pressure? If they touch their head, ask if they identify with their hair color. If they blink, ask if they have attention issues. By getting to the bottom of their every action and uncovering their hidden intentions, you will begin to understand your date like no one ever has.
5. Sexify everything you do
When you take a sip of wine, lick the rim of the glass. When they ask how you’ve been, breathe your answer directly into their ear. Drop your napkin under the table, and touch them innocently as you go down to get it. Drop your chicken parm in your shirt, act like you’ve lost a perfectly cooked piece of chicken and recruit them to find it. Spill water all over your white shirt, admit that you are wet, nothing starts a relationship like honesty.
You only have one shot at a first impression. Maybe try these… maybe don’t.