When I was in the eleventh grade I was taught to shoot a gun. My friend, (let’s call him Zeus for now), arms tangled with mine, chin pressing against my shoulder, whispered that I pull the trigger. As I did, the shot, heavy and turbulent, pushed me back into Zeus. Later that week he and I watched live-action “Beauty and the Beast” at the Warwick Cinema. Those months were crowded with memories of ice cream parlors, 2 am facetimes, skipping class for lunch dates, long drives, a sense of completeness and contentedness and evan an “I love you.” I remember a morning after he had spent the night, my mom asked me innocently if we were dating. I felt attacked by the question, defensively and steadily saying, “of course not, Mom. He has a girlfriend.” You see, his girlfriend (let’s call her Coco) was annoyed by how close Zeus and I were, but she never knew the concealed details of our relationship. I hadn’t known at the time that I was the one in the wrong. I tried to project my guilt onto Coco — she was the one so obviously failing at playing the part of the girlfriend. A lot of people see cheating as black and white, but whether it is or isn’t, it may still be worth exploring the different perspectives of the parties involved.
To explain the perspectives of infidelity, I interviewed a) the homewrecker (a girl who has hooked up with multiple men in relationships), b) the emotionally-invested homewrecker (a girl who has essentially dated someone in a relationship), c) the cheater (known to me as a close friend but to his ex as a terrible, terrible person), and d) the cheatee (who is genuinely much better off now). To standardize the answers, I asked them all the same two questions: “why did you do it” and “how do you live with yourself” (both left open to interpretation).
The Homewrecker:
Q: Why did you do it?
A: I didn’t know he was in a relationship.
Q: Sure, but aren’t you friends with Vanessa, his girlfriend?
A: OK. Well, I just thought he was really hot and its not like they were getting married or anything. Vanessa even told me they had a fight the other night.
Q: How do you live with yourself?
A: I mean I didn’t kill anyone, I just had sex.
Q: Sounds like murder.
A: I know its bad but people have done worse.
This is a common justification for the homewrecker — that other people have done worse. Personally, I felt incredibly unmoved by the homewrecker. Her justification was weak at best, and though I didn’t leave questioning her morality, I decided I would simply hate to have her as a friend.
The Emotionally-invested Homewrecker:
Q: Why did you do it?
A: I mean, I fell in love with him.
Q: But why did you choose to even pursue him for that long?
A: There’s something about a guy in a relationship. I’ve always been naturally drawn by married men. Not in a “I want to shag you way” but more because guys in relationships are more interesting to me. I guess I’m just drawn in more by what I am missing than what is right in front of me, you know?
I completely understood. I thought relationships made a guy seem more caring and mature and trustworthy (even when misleading) which only enhances their other qualities.
Q: How do you live with yourself?
A: We had a connection and it was undeniable. I don’t think it’s a crime to be in love.
Deep, I thought, deep. I’m pretty sure throughout our conversation the emotionally-invested homewrecker kept quoting movies, but honestly she moved me.
The Cheater:
Q: Why did you do it?
A: I thought she was hot and my girlfriend was long distance. I wanted to get with someone.
Q: How do you live with yourself?
A: I don’t really give a fuck….
Our conversation went exactly as expected. Honestly, it made sense. Its something I learned in freshman year bio that I’ve never forgotten — males are naturally inclined to cheat. I don’t trust them.
The Cheatee:
Q: Why did you do it?
A: I didn’t do anything. I was always a good girlfriend.
The cheatee chokes up and begins crying and I feel terrible.
Q: I’m so sorry I know, but one more question, how do you live with yourself?
She walks out of the room clearly not over the breakup. I had to ask the question for the standardization of my answers even if it ruined Cheatee’s week. :(