As Vanity Fair once said: “The Proust Questionnaire has its origins in a parlor game popularized by Marcel Proust, a French essayist, and novelist, who believed that, in answering questions, an individual reveals his or her true nature.” I decided to take this opportunity to survey my mother in hopes of revealing her “true” nature. So here I give you, The Proust Questionnaire: Mom Edition.
What is the trait you most deplore in others? -Pessimism. If I can fake it, so can they.
Which living person do you most admire?
-Hillary Clinton. Cheated on, investigated, maligned investigated, despised, investigated taken out of context, investigated. Her mere existence is a huge middle finger to everyone who wastes enormous amounts of energy hating her. I want to be a huge middle finger to my haters someday, too. Also, those tunics and car coats are rad af.
On what occasion do you lie?
-When people ask me for my fried chicken recipe. I do not share that. Then, when they come back and say theirs didn’t taste the same, I gasp and tell them their oil must not have been hot enough. Sue me. Or go to Popeye’s. You ain’t getting my recipe.
Which words or phrases do you overview?
-Excellent. Awesome. Coolio. I said a hip hop hippie to the hippie the hip, hip a hop, and you don’t stop, a rock it out bubba to the bang bang boogie, boobie to the boogie to the rhythm of the boogie the beat.
When and where are you happiest?
-In bed. There is nothing better than stretching out in your bed. Everyone is welcome. My next home will just be a large barn full of beds.
What do you consider your greatest achievement?
-Getting my wiener dog to wear a collar. Don’t judge me. You don’t know my life.
If you were to die and come back as a person or a thing, what would it be?
-For obvious reasons, I would come back as Siri. Oh, you think you’re gonna hide those nudes from your mom? Not today, Chad.
What is your most treasured possession?
-Jerry Falwell’s shoes. Sometimes when there’s a full moon, I put them on and rap all the words to Holy Grail.
What is your most marked characteristic?
-Patience. My patience has been marked with crayons, poop, sharpies, spray paint, blood, etc.
Who are your favorite writers?
-Ruth Bader Ginsburg. Dissent, dissent, dissent. BTW, she dissents. Toni Morrison. “If you wanna fly, you got to give up the shit that weighs you down.”
Which living person do you most despise?
-I try not to despise people because that takes hella energy and if you don’t like someone, why give them all your lemons because then you can’t have any lemonade. Don’t @ me Beyoncé.
Who is your hero of fiction?
-Bernadette from “Where’d You Go, Bernadette?” Spoiler: Bernadette went wherever the heck she wanted.
Which historical figure do you most identify with?
-William Dawes because fuck Paul Revere for getting all of the credit for doing half of the work.
What do you consider the most overrated virtue?
-Fortitude. It’s okay to give up. If we didn’t give up from time to time, we’d be wholly defeated by the bullshit of life. If it’s not working out and you’ve given it adequate thought, move on.
What is your current state of mind?
-Moving on — on this interview.
What is your motto?
-Go your own way. Just like a wild dingo. (Also, see: Stevie Nicks)
There you have it, folks, the ultimate super-star of mothers just rocked your world with the most 21st-century answers you’ve ever seen. I wish I could say she’s not usually this forward but that would be a lie… and as Y’all know, we only lie about the secret fried chicken recipe.