I don’t know about most people, but I vividly remember the day I moved into Summit my first year at this school. I was wearing my cropped yoga pants, a bright orange PINK quarter zip and my favorite pair of black sandals at the time. I straightened my very curly hair because I wanted to look my best and I thought I looked better with straight hair. I had on a full face of makeup, earrings, and the new Coach watch I had bought myself with my graduation money.
My parents and I began unloading the mini-van that was literally packed to the brim with what we thought was all of the college essentials. We were taking items and lining them up against the wall so that we could put it all into carts and bring it up to my room. I remember looking around at everyone else’s pile and realizing mine was about double the size of the other students. I remember seeing girls wearing Greek letters walking around and asking students if they needed help moving in. I remember cramming into the elevator with my cart full of God knows what the hell I brought, walking down the hallway of the sixth floor, finding the door with the number that matched the number I was assigned, opening the door to see a room of stripped beds, empty dressers, and empty closets. I remember thinking “Wow! This is your home for the next year.”
Do you remember the feeling in your stomach that you got when you knew your first year of college was upon you? It was super weird, right? You were so excited that it made you smile and giddy, but you were also incredibly anxious for the unknown. It was a fuzzy feeling in my stomach that left me empty at the same time and I have never had a feeling like that ever before. The feeling of starting a new life.
This summer I was lying in my bed at home in Maryland thinking about how I was actually feeling going into this school year. Up until that point, I had completely avoided thinking about it. I’m not sure if I wasn’t thinking about it because I was too busy with my internship or having too much fun at the beach on the weekends. I mean, I can make up plenty of excuses, but I think part of me was almost dreading having to face the fact that I was going into my last year of college. Not even that it was my last year of physically attending college; this would be my last year of not paying bills, not working full time, goofing off, skipping class, drinking heavily every weekend, living two seconds from all of my best friends and being in a sorority. After this year, I would essentially be leaving a whole life behind me and that’s incredibly scary to think about.
When I finally decided to address my feelings, I had trouble even pin pointing how I felt. Then my friend texted me to check in and catch up. During our conversation, she asked, “How are feeling about this year? In all honesty, what are your thoughts?” Well, I felt like at that point I was forced to think about it and put into words how I was feeling because obviously I had to respond. My response was as follows: “Um I haven’t really thought about it until you asked. I’m excited, but it’s bittersweet too. I want everything to be perfect, but if I go in thinking like that, it’s not going to be. If I go with the flow, it’ll make itself perfect. We have to go in with the mindset that our friends are the people we need to spend the most time with. Any time I’m sitting there not wanting to go out or contemplating whether to join you guys at lunch with $10 to my name, or if someone is having a movie night, but I was going to stay home with my boyfriend, I’m not even going to hesitate to say yes. I have to cherish every moment.”
I sent the text and felt pretty good about it. You know, giving off positive vibes all around. I can be a pessimist and a complainer at times, so I was trying to change my tune. What I said in that text, I meant, but I knew there would be times that I would probably say no to lunch because I’m broke or choose to chill with the boyfriend instead of movie night at whoever’s apartment. The main thing I felt good about was actually taking the time to address the situation I was facing. I realized, it is okay to have one foot in the door and one foot out. Sure, I need to start thinking about my future and moving on but dammit, I need to enjoy the hell out of this year while I still have time.
While doing my usual creeping through Instagram, I somehow came across the post of an incoming freshman. She had posted a screenshot of one of those countdown apps. The countdown was down to about a week left or something before move-in day. Out of nowhere, a wave of that same fuzzy, empty feeling came over me and just for a quick second, I was able to feel like I did when it was my move-in day. It literally brought a tear to my eye, but I loved it and I was comforted by it. Why? Because I knew this year was going to be amazing and I knew I would soon feel that same feeling I did freshmen year; the feeling of starting a new life. I was okay with that.