When I was about twelve or thirteen I really started noticing boys. They were cute looking and made funny jokes. I started to get butterflies every morning knowing that I would walk into class and see that boy I had been crushing on. After some time of writing Mrs. (insert crush’s name) all over my journal and after being caught numerous times starring at him from across the room, I would decide to grow a pair and confess my love. I can honestly admit that I was rejected quite a few times. Maybe it was because I wore no makeup, slicked my hair back in a tight bun, and thought Etnies shoes and graphic tees were stylish. It was heartbreaking to think guys might not find me attractive. In the mind of middle schooler, this was the end of the world. I needed to fill the void in my ever so fragile heart. Logically, I did this with food. My number one choice? Pizza. That being said, allow me to introduce to you the reasons why I would choose pizza over a boy any day of the week:
1. It is easy to obtain
Trying to land a guy takes way too much effort. You have to spot him out, take some shots, approach him, make small-talk conversation (literally so awkward), maybe drop a few compliments, smile the whole time, and laugh at his shitty jokes. Pizza is there for you whenever you need it. You call a phone number, order a pizza, and within the hour you are delivered a box of love and only for a small fee! You don’t even have to leave your couch.
2. It doesn’t judge you
It is sad that men are always initially judging women based on their looks. She has to have a “phat” ass, a nice rack, a pretty face, a beautiful smile, and long, blonde hair. Pizza would never dare judge you. No need to force yourself into that skin tight sequin dress (which sounds ugly anyway); put on some sweats, tie your hair up, take off your makeup, and relax. Pizza is accepting of all shapes and sizes, blondes or brunettes, the pretty and even the plain janes. No discrimination here.
3. It smells fantastic
Hate to break to you gentlemen, but you smell bad. Of course you use that cologne that smells absolutely amazing and nothing turns me on more than men’s deodorant (don’t ask me why), but your natural scent isn’t all that attractive. You may look hot at the gym as the sweat gleams off your chiseled abs but seriously, keep your distance. Don’t ruin this by coming any closer. Now to compare, I don’t think pizza is even capable of smelling bad unless it has been sitting in your fridge too long. Which who in their right mind would ever do that? When I open a box of pizza I picture cartoon smell swirls coming off the cheese and dancing into my nostrils (Okay, this is beginning to become sick).
4. It looks and tastes AMAZING
Well guys are good looking, of course. But we all know pizza looks better. It is sad to admit that sometimes looking at a slice of pizza gets me more excited than looking at my boyfriend (sorry boyfriend), but it totally does. I really don’t think it would be appropriate to go into detail about taste but I think everyone here understands the difference. Pizza tastes like the hand of God is coming down from the heavens and blessing every bite that I take. Amen.
5. It is very versatile
The amount of effort it takes to get my boyfriend to wear a collared plaid shirt under a sweater is immense. It is equivalent to pulling teeth without any anesthetic. No matter how much I beg and plead and bribe, it never works. When it comes to pizza, it’s like completely open to trying new things. You can compare pizza to your 5’9 stick skinny friend with big boobs and nice butt that looks good in almost anything. Ranch? Wow girl, you look fantastic. Ketchup? Rocking it. Anchovies? Risky, but you can totally pull it off.
Girls, it is time to band together and take a stand! Men are becoming too egotistical and too complicated. I am making a call to action that we boycott guys and start choosing pizza! Who’s with me?