It’s 9pm on a Tuesday night. Not to mention that it’s February, which automatically means that Virginia weather has ensured that it is either snowing, raining, a wintry-mix (which to this day makes no sense as definition), or all of the above.
In front of you, are the History 112 notes you somehow managed to write down despite how ridiculously early 9 am seems to most college students. You’ve read them… sort of. However, pulled up on your ultra cool Mac (or if you are, like me, still stuck with those not nearly as fly Dell’s or Sony’s), there is also an incredible number of distractions – Pandora, StumbleUpon, Facebook, Twitter, ESPN, TFLN, and a number of other websites banking on the fact that college students will read anything and everything that is remotely related to music, food, sports, or absurd videos.
But as you sit there, procrastinating like the Olympic superstar you were always meant to be, I HAVE SOME WORDS OF WISDOM FOR YOU. (Did you see how I referenced the title of my column? Ultra clever of me, I know.)
Here they are: a couple of tips, a handful of tricks, and everything in-between. Next time you find your attention wandering while you’re reading Napoleon-something’s French statements, reference the next paragraphs, please.
Advice #1: Never ever study. You know everything. And everything that you do not know, Wikipedia will tell you. Oh, and while you’re at it, google “Uncyclopedia,” type in a subject, and watch the next 2 hours of your life disappear without warning.
Advice #2: Old seasons of the Office and South Park make the best study guides. Why? Because they contain every cultural and political reference of the last century. From wars and invasions, to pop stars and dog-fighting-football-superstars (I know, I know, time to let the Michael Vick thing go), they will fill you in on EVERYTHING you will never actually have the time to read in the New York Times.
Advice #3: Take lots of snack breaks: chips, hot chocolate, sugar cookies – the majority of which, by the way, can be found and taken in bulk from interest meetings of clubs you’d never actually join (What kind of horrible human being would do that!?). Better yet, skip the terrible 9pm-brewed-over-12-hours-ago-coffee, save yourself from the “Freshman 15,” and hitup the Rec Center to get your blood pumping. Before you know it, you will be addicted. And unlike Twinkies, this addiction will only do great things for your waistline.
Advice #4: StumbleUpon like a champ…BUT ONLY after you wisely complete your “Interests’ Profile.” For example, to find hilarious YouTube videos, check off “Humor” and “Sports.” For pictures of destinations you can dream about traveling to, check of “Travel” and “Cute Animals” (it pays off, I promise). Also, always check off “Jungle.” The amount of baby leopards you could possibly be staring at is insulting.
Advice #5: Never ever listen to anything that I say. But, like the Wikipedia fact, that should already be common sense.