The drama of high school is long behind you. Haven’t you always dreamed of leading a private personal life on a college campus, a life where only your closest friends know your secrets and relationship troubles, a life where strangers mind their own business? Let’s be real: Your chances of a private personal life on the W&M campus are slim to none (Even Brittney Spears would laugh at that idea). Instead of even trying, you might as well as discover a new planet, develop a cure for cancer, and find a genie lamp (complete with Aladdin’s magic carpet)– because privacy is the last thing you will find between the Terrace and the Deli’s.
Over this past semester I have realized that dating on this campus is almost always a three-way love triangle between you, your significant other, and 5,000 of your closest friends.
For example, think back to your last love interest. After two weeks were your friends asking you about your “status”? Did you dare to invite to the other person to a Greek function, only to field questions about how you left together at the end of the night? Worst of all– DID YOU GO TO DINNER AND HAVE OTHERS SEE YOU?
After spending the last 4 hours in Swem and realizing that I have probably typed more words in Facebook posts than in my actual paper, I came to realize that complaining about the lack of privacy on our campus is useless. Everyone knows everyone, and even if they do not, that stranger has likely either 1) Facebook stalked you, or 2) heard enough about you to know your favorite Ninja turtle, the first concert you went to with your parents, and of course, your favorite Quiznos sandwich. (I may be SLIGHTLY exaggerating, but you get the point).
Therefore, since we can all agree on the lack of privacy, the most proactive thing to write about is SOLUTIONS. Here are some tips, tricks, knacks, and pally-wacks (I’m not sure where the last two came from) on how YOU can live more privately at W&M.
Tip #1: Internet. Facebook’s photos, relationships statuses, and public posts are simply not enough– you need to hit all sorts of social networks. With that in mind, if you do not yet have Twitter, establish one now. Invite entire school to follow. Make the majority of your posts on Friday or Saturday nights. Don’t miss a detail. Post whereabouts, shoes worn, cute boys spotted, and DEFINITELY an emotional status at every hour interval.
Tip #2: Make everything about you. Whenever you enter a conversation, proceed with a detailed explanation of your day, starting with your recent purchases, then your study habits, and most importantly, your most private relationship updates. Include every detail, location, name, and not so sober text. Go into greater detail with people you just met. You know those tour groups that are invading our campus? They came to hear your college stories, so do not let them leave disappointed.
Tip #3: Become the center of attention. Clearly, clothing is key, so wear none. If you have a class where the professor begins to complain, consider donning something more appropriate– anything from Playboy costumes to Harry Potter robes. Just make sure to make the outfit as revealing as possible. All eyes must be on you.
Tip #4: Diaries. Make an effort to write in a diary every day, and take the time to fill it with all things personal and increasingly detailed. Make sure include dietary preferences. On every Friday, proceed to accidentally leave your diary on one of the central tables on the terrace. Make sure your first and last name is written in bold letters, on each side.
Tip #5: Texting. “Accidentally” forward every single text to 5 other contacts. When they reply in confusion, explain as needed (once again, detail, detail, detail). Oh, and make to ask them not to tell a single soul! The tactic works wonders.
Unfortunately, while I would love nothing more than to continue with more tips, I am afraid I often overestimate my imagination and creativity. If, however, you found any part of this humorous, my job is done. Not only have I just wasted 10 minutes of your life with absolute nonsense, but I feel significantly better about making fun of one of the ridiculous things about student life on our campus. Now go on my dearest and most committed college students, Swem on, snack on, Wawa on, or whatever it is that you love to do.