* Disclaimer: This article is a satire piece *
Greetings, Mr. President,
Hope this cover letter/ Twitter DM finds you well. With so many cabinet positions to fill, and so few billionaires left to fill them, I wanted to throw my name in for consideration. You see, I believe in Making America Great Again. More than that, though, I believe in Making Me Employed Again. As you know, finding a job in today’s economy is no easy task. From the swamps of Washington to the milk-spills of Walmart, it’s easy for working-class Americans like myself to get stuck—physically and fiscally—in compromising positions.
Now, I know what you’re thinking: compromising positions can add spice to a relationship. I understand, sir, I really do. Actually, my boyfriend helped me gain experience with a number of different such positions… because he was my boss, and these positions were different jobs within the company. Conflict of interest? Perhaps. But you and I both know them’s just words invented by the gotcha media. In truth, I am ready for any and all cabinet positions. Need someone at the Department of Agriculture? When it comes to corn, I’m all ears. Is Labor struggling to cope with worryingly high levels of unemployment? I’ll get them to take a closer look at unconventional service industries, because from a statistical perspective, “no jobs” sounds a whole lot worse than “blow jobs.” Are the hippies acting up at the EPA? Send me over to tell them, “Not today,” and we can put God back in the atmosphere by drillin’ that oil and making the ozone holy again. No matter the situation, you can rest assured that I’ve got you covered.
As far as Russia’s concerned, let’s just say I’ve been Putin a lot of thought into it, and I am ready to ride my Moscow Mule over and give a hearty hello to our friends in St. Petersburg, comrade. Look, the Cold War is over. Now, it’s time for the U.S. to pour Russia a cold one and bury the ice axe (#sorrynotsorry, Trotsky). Instead of focusing on our differences, let’s focus on our shared interests: vodka shots and glamour shots. Let’s get some shirtless pics of you and Putin on some horses, sir. Instead of squaring off on Syria, let’s Smirnoff over a game of f***, marry, kill. Basically, the Kremlin looks like a gingerbread house come to life, and I’m ready to take a big ol’ American bite out of that slightly sinister Russian cookie.
I know that filling cabinet positions, like casting for The Apprentice, is a difficult task. There are many factors to consider, from how a particular appointment will affect ratings to ensuring that the lineup is diverse, but not, like, too diverse (#whiteguysmatter). Here are some final thoughts to set your mind at ease: I am a tremendous applicant with big (but not as big as yours, obviously), capable hands; I can build the wall, drain the swamp, and type. Together, we can ensure things turn out alt-right, I mean, all right, for our country. Let’s Make America Great Again.
Best regards,
Soon-to-be-college-grad*
*Note: Also open to jobs in reality television, modeling, or trophy wife-ing