The insights of a heartbroken teenager
The fairly new and trending TikTok song, “Glimpse of Us,” by Joji sparked a huge conversation on social media about first loves. Do we ever get over them? Why is it that we can think we’re completely moved on but a year later we get sad about them again?
If you haven’t heard “Glimpse of Us”, the chorus goes like this:
‘Cause sometimes, I look in her eyes
And that’s where I find a glimpse of us
And I try to fall for her touch
But I’m thinkin’ of the way it was
Said I’m fine and said I moved on
I’m only here passing time in her arms
Hopin’ I’ll find a glimpse of us
People on TikTok were going NUTS about this. Every other video I saw was about this song. It helped but also hurt because of where I was in life. I had just broken up with my first long term boyfriend because he wanted the college experience. I should go on to say, it wasn’t like some people I know, where they still keep in touch and visit. We had major problems, so the break up was real. We didn’t have any contact, and even though I knew the break up needed to happen, it was one of the hardest times of my life. On one hand, the song gave me hope that he was still thinking about me. On the other hand, it made me terrified that I would always relate to the song and never feel the same way about anyone else.
The summer was rough and I made it to college. I thought I was proving the song wrong. I met some boys and tried to move on. I thought about him less and I was finally ready to say, “I’m over it.” I wasn’t. I couldn’t feel the same way about any of the boys I met. None of them gave me the same butterflies he did. None of them smelled like him. None of them rubbed my hand with their thumb when we were holding hands. I HATED this. The boy I hadn’t missed in months was dancing around in the back of my mind. Why? He didn’t treat me the best and his family was invasive and rude. It wasn’t something I was ever going to pursue again, so why could I not stop thinking about him?
I had a refreshing talk with one of my friends recently. It was one of those talks where it was just straight up deep conversations about life for FOUR HOURS. This was on my mind, so I brought it up. She hasn’t had a heartbreak so she knew she couldn’t speak from experience, but she told me one day I’ll find someone who does new little things that give me butterflies. The thumb rubbing will be a distant memory. But the way she phrased it caught my attention. She kept saying “new things” or “something different.” It made me think. There are some things I’m always going to associate with him. My new man might have a whole set of cute little things I love and adore, but things like rubbing with their thumbs will always belong to my first love.
I don’t think it’s something that’s necessarily wrong, but I do think it actually makes it harder to love for a while. I catch myself looking for traits of him to make me feel the same, but it never measures up. You can also sometimes hurt other people in this process, which is hard for me to accept. It’s not fair to the boys I’m meeting here that I’m hung up over someone. But it makes sense it ends up that way. When you’ve had your first love come and go, you don’t jump into things as easily anymore. I’ve noticed myself having a sense of numbness towards relationships along with a fear of heartbreak which stops me from getting attached. You gave that first love all of your heart and they only gave you some of the pieces back. I don’t think anyone can love their second, third, etc. love the same way because they lost their naivety to the first.
I don’t know if there’s a happy ending to this. It’s easy to say you’re over them when you’re chatting with friends, but I guarantee anyone would feel differently if they bumped into them on the street. My mom told me she thinks of her first love from time to time, and it’s been almost 40 years. But I also know she can see him in a grocery store and her heart doesn’t sink like mine would. I know it’ll get better, but I truly believe it is traumatizing. You can never love another person the same way.