I Needed to Hear This Freshman Year and Maybe You Do, Too
It’s okay to have friends for different reasons. Not everyone you meet in college is going to be your best friend. And I know that sounds obvious, but it is a hard lesson to learn.
Freshman year, no matter how many times you repeat to yourself that it doesn’t matter if your roommate does not turn out to be your best friend, somewhere deep down I think everyone hopes that they are the lucky pair. I am here to reassure you that if your freshman year roommate did not become your best friend, that is very normal. As a junior in college, only a handful of people I know are still best friends with their freshman year roommate. It is hard to adjust to someone else’s life and more often than not, one or both of your lifestyles or values do not match. Sure, most roommate pairings can put up with each other, and may even be friends for a year or more, but they are typically not best friends.
Even when you have an established friend group in college, friendship dynamics change all the time. Especially if your group has a lot of people with different personalities, it is standard to not have the same level of closeness with each person. It takes time, energy and compassion to get to know a large group of people, and once you know a lot of people fairly well, each person’s differences and quirks become very evident. To maintain lots of close friends, each person needs to have respectful ways of communicating points of contention, so that each individual can work with each other to stabilize the relationship and maintain a strong connection.
Not every friend you make in college has to be your best or even a close friend. Activity-based friendships are important, too. Everyone has an activity or hobby they are passionate about. Making friends who have the same passion is convenient and makes your time spent doing that activity or hobby more exciting. Some friends are only meant to be people to play soccer with, get your nails done with, study for major-specific classes with, or make clay pottery with. Not all of your close friends have the same passions as you, so having a friend be your activity friend is a great way to get to know more people in college.
Additionally, not all friendships are worth maintaining. It can be hard to draw the metaphorical line in the sand where you should give up on trying to be someone’s friend. Most of the time, I think you should work through problems with open communication and hope that your friend cares about your relationship enough to work with you. You can even have friends who you disagree with almost all of the time, as long as there is an understanding of respect and a boundary, so that you can continue to have affection for each other. The most obvious sign that a friendship is not worth saving is if you start to feel insecure about being yourself around someone you thought was your friend.
Whether you have a best friend who was your freshman year roommate, a lot of close friends in a large group, or you prefer your once-a-week activity friendships, these relationships are worth cherishing. And even if you realize you are losing a friend, college is the perfect place to make more.