It happens to the best of us… and it really sucks.
My senior year of high school was absolutely brutal. I’m pretty sure that’s a universal experience, and I don’t mean to set the tone of this article as a pity party for my own struggle story. But just for a little context, my senior year at a boarding school for math and science truly put me through the wringer. I did not have fun juggling the expectations of the college application process while also trying to pull myself through calculus as well as keep the rest of my grades up to par while additionally dealing with drama among some of my close friends. I won’t get into it, because I’m positive that everyone has their own version of the same story, but if given the opportunity to relive that year of my life I would whole-heartedly decline. Every day just felt like there was so much I had to do and so little time to do any of it, and I was just stuck in this constant cycle of self-deprecation over the disappointment I held for not achieving all that I wanted to.
So at the time, when I discovered caffeine pills in all of their glory, I felt entirely blessed to have found a way to sleep less, accomplish more and seldom leave a thing uncrossed on my to-do list.
To set the scene and give you a little backstory to my journey to caffeine dependence, I have always been a big coffee girl. I started drinking it young because I felt like it made me tough and hardcore. I started to rely on it a little more heavily in the earlier years of high school and it definitely helped get me adjusted to the competitive nature of my boarding school quickly. By my senior year of high school, my cafeteria discontinued the coffee vending machine and I turned to instant coffee (which actually tastes so foul, I do not recommend), and it just wasn’t enough. I switched from coffee to caffeinated Mio, which was nice because it tasted good and I could get the caffeine content I was looking for, but still it wasn’t enough. And also I got sick of the fruity-tootie flavors so quickly.
So then, one weekend I went to Walgreens to pick up some photos to decorate the walls of my dorm, and I saw a little yellow box of caffeine pills just looking at me. It is my understanding that they make them of all different potencies, but the ones I purchased and started with contained 200 mg of caffeine in each tablet. For reference, your average cup of coffee has about 95 mg. I took one the following Monday morning and really truly thought to myself, “I have cracked the code.” I started to take 3 or 4 of the tablets throughout the day and found myself to be more bubbly, motivated and capable. I was suddenly able to stay up until 3 am working on assignments and college essays and club event ideas, and still be awake and tuned into my 8:50 am classes. My grades started to climb (even calc!!) and the self-worth that I associated with my academic standing soared with them.
But after the first few weeks, I felt the toll on my mental health. My mind dragged a few steps behind me everywhere I went, like I was just going through the motions without any real feeling. The difficulties I was facing with some of my friends only got worse because with lack of sleep comes lack of empathy, compassion and all capacity to be kind. I was still able to get all my work done but I was just irritated and angry all the time.
And then I went home for Thanksgiving break and obviously stopped taking the caffeine pills because I figured I wouldn’t need to be overly productive at home. We have a perfectly good coffee maker that I planned to take advantage of to kickstart my mornings and I thought this would be a great time to give my body a break from all the caffeine and just sleep.
But let me tell you the very first Saturday of the break was when I realized the extent of what I had done to my body.
It was just one morning that I did not pop the usual 200 mg pill of caffeine, and by lunchtime I had a vicious migraine. So I figured it’s fine, I’ll just sleep it off, no big deal. But it only got worse and worse and worse. Over the next several days I was in a constant state of pain, with continuous nausea and vomiting and heightened sensitivity to noise and light. I couldn’t sleep, didn’t want to eat, couldn’t stand to talk to anyone and the worst part was I was just so embarrassed. How had I honestly thought that I could just pump myself full of incredible amounts of caffeine and it would just be fine? Why had I thought that I was a genius for figuring this out? I’ve since learned that if you find a loophole that seems to make everything so much easier and you feel on top of the world for being the only person in on your secret, there is probably a really good reason why no one else is doing it.
Obviously I could’ve made all the symptoms go away if I just gave in and let myself have some caffeine, but I suddenly became very afraid of experiencing that kind of withdrawal ever again and also of the potential long-term effects. I was very clearly not in the state to be looking into it at that time, but later discovered the irreparable damage caffeine can inflict. Just to give you a sneak peek, over-consumption of caffeine is capable of inducing insomnia, heart palpitations, high blood pressure, and heightened levels of anxiety.
So I went cold turkey for that week, withstanding the cruel consequences of my own poor decisions, and found myself feeling better by the end of the week. I knew there was no way I could return to school, in the heat of college application season, with zero caffeine, but I also knew I needed to substantially curb my caffeine usage. I pulled back to about one capsule a day and took to sometimes drinking coffee or tea instead, in order to still get my stuff done while also trying to maintain my health.
Since then I’ve never even considered returning to such high levels of caffeine consumption. Of course we all have our days when more is needed than normal, and I fully condone some moderate caffeine intake to push you through the day, but please learn from my mistakes. I feel like I may have downplayed it a little bit, but I encourage you not to find out the extent of caffeine withdrawal. It was without a doubt the worst Thanksgiving break I’ve ever had, but the real battle was with re-learning how to live and thrive without it.
To be totally scientific with you, this type of interaction with caffeine is referred to as “caffeine dependence,” not “caffeine addiction,” because it has nothing to do with the reward circuit of your brain. I felt the need to let you know the official title, in case you need to do your own research to determine if you may be at risk of becoming too dependent on caffeine. But I do colloquially call it a caffeine addiction because I think it drives the point home that it’s serious and that you get to a point where your body doesn’t know what to do without it.
The moral of the story is to be cautious with what you put into your body and recognize that there just is not a loophole to basic biological needs. Sleep is good for you. Your body needs it. Let yourself sleep.
Sources:
Cleveland Clinic. “How Much Caffeine Is Too Much?” Cleveland Clinic, 28 Sept. 2021, health.clevelandclinic.org/how-much-caffeine-is-too-much/.
“FoodData Central.” Usda.gov, 2019, fdc.nal.usda.gov/fdc-app.html#/food-details/171890/nutrients.
Rockett, Ian. “Caffeine “Addiction” in High School Youth: Evidence of an Adverse Health Relationship.” Addiction Research & Theory, vol. 10, no. 1, Jan. 2002, pp. 31–42, https://doi.org/10.1080/16066350290001696. Accessed 21 Mar. 2019.
Volkow, N D, et al. “Caffeine Increases Striatal Dopamine D2/D3 Receptor Availability in the Human Brain.” Translational Psychiatry, vol. 5, no. 4, Apr. 2015, pp. e549–e549, www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4462609/, https://doi.org/10.1038/tp.2015.46.