We are living some of the busiest years of our lives, so give yourself grace.
How often should you be communicating and hanging out with your friends so that you’re not considered a “bad friend”? I had an eye-opening conversation about this with one of my close friends. Although we rarely talk, we do not need to communicate every day or hang out regularly to know that we are in good standing and support one another.
While there are many aspects that surround the stigma of what a quality friendship embodies, my friend and I primarily discussed the importance of mental health. More specifically, how an individual’s mental health at any given time can play a substantial role in how they interact and communicate with their friends. A change in dynamic or communication doesn’t determine someone’s ability to be a good friend, but can rather mean that they are putting their needs first. I’m sure the majority of us have been on one or both sides of this fence, so it is important that we notice and are understanding of the patterns.
Life happens to be taking a toll on my friend right now. She admitted to me that her urge to hang out with or even message her friends has been nonexistent for some time. She then started to apologize to me for being a “bad friend”, but I quickly cut in and reminded her that she didn’t need to justify herself in the slightest. I’ve been where she is and I understand her struggle to reach out. I realize that it has nothing to do with me and everything to do with her. Therefore, I encouraged her to continue doing what she’s doing to get better, reminding her that I know she loves and cares about me regardless of how often we communicate.
While I have been the supportive friend, I’ve also been on the other side of this. Time and time again I have felt guilt and shame for not reaching out to my friends as often as I would like to. I tell myself that I’ll make the effort tomorrow to FaceTime them or at least shoot them a kind message. Then tomorrow comes and I have plenty of responsibilities on my to-do list, including but not limited to working out, multiple in-class lectures, meeting with my advisor, and grocery shopping. All of these things are certainly enough to exhaust the average person physically and mentally. As an avid people pleaser, I would like to practice making myself happy before making my friends happy. When I feel overwhelmingly exhausted at the end of chaotic days, it’s perfectly acceptable if I need to call it quits and relax for the rest of the night.
It’s no secret that a lot is expected of college students. We are supposed to keep up with our studies, earn good grades, work enough to pay off student loans while also providing ourselves with the bare minimum to exist, check in on our loved ones (because family first!), and find time for ourselves so we don’t go insane. And we are supposed to prioritize all of these things while simultaneously maintaining a social life? No wonder it can be so challenging to reach out to friends. If you’ve experienced exhaustion from maintaining your friendships, chances are you are human. This does not make you a bad friend, and none of your friends should make you feel otherwise.
Not only can it feel draining to reach out by phone, but hanging out in person is generally even harder because it takes physical energy. For example, your friends invite you out on a Saturday night but you can’t possibly muster up the energy or mental capacity for a night out. It’s not anything that your friends are doing wrong, and it’s certainly not that you don’t enjoy their company or making memories. It comes down to honoring what you need at that time, and if that means staying in on a Saturday night to watch Netflix and eat snacks, then so be it. Your true friends will surely understand and support this decision.
Overall, it’s important that we end this particular stigma around what it means to be a good friend. I’m sure that at some point in our lives we have all lacked focus on our friendships — and that’s okay! In the long run, your true friendships will prevail on a foundation of connection and empathy. Perhaps we should focus our attention on how we can support our friends during tough and busy times, rather than making superficial rules about what a good friend encompasses.