To the boy who left without explanation,
It’s like you’re still standing right beside me even though you’re not technically present in my life anymore. You might as well be. An unfortunate percentage of my thoughts are dedicated to you, and every time I try to quit you, there you are, springing back into my life with your voicemails and coldhearted phone calls. I should not have picked up the phone, but I did. That will never happen again.
You are my biggest mistake, my most painful regret. You didn’t used to be, though—far from it. Before, you were my person. I know that sounds cliché, but you most certainly were. You were the person I wanted to see more than anyone, the boy who made my heart skip like a five year-old girl playing hopscotch during recess. Except the difference was that there was no recess with us. Recess implies a break. We just ended.
Gone were the days of hand holding and passionate gazes on crowded streets. Gone were the spontaneous coffee runs and trips to Tenney Park where you’d pick me up, twirl me around, and mock threaten to throw me in the lake. Gone were the late night confessions and conversations about our dreams. Gone was the kissing that left us breathless beneath starlit skies. Gone was the boy I would have given it all up for: the wanderlust, the chase, the need to be single.
That’s why I will never understand why it was so easy for you to leave. I will never be able to fathom how one day you were holding me and saying that we should run away together and the next you disappeared. Some days I pretend that you never existed, because that is the only way I can go about my life. It’s easier to act as if there never was an “us”, because knowing that a boy who promised me the world then vanished without a trace is nauseating. It’s easier to pretend that I never knew you, because saying “No, we don’t talk anymore” and “No, it’s over with us” are two of the most heart-wrenching phrases I have ever had to say out loud.
You told me you would be proud to have me and, I quote, that “you could see yourself traveling the world with me, doing anything with me, and that I was a once in a lifetime girl to get.” You told me I was the love of your life, and you may very well have been mine, but I’ll never know.
There was always an excuse, a “reason” why we could not officially be together. To be boyfriend and girlfriend was too much to ask. You could not give up your need to think with your lower half. You could not give up your primal urge to sleep with someone else, because apparently, I wasn’t enough for you. How could you have loved me at all when you claimed to “love” her too?
I guess that’s how boys like you operate. There are always expiration dates with almost-lovers like you: the boys who don’t understand how good they have it until they are middle aged with receding hairlines and unfortunate beer bellies. Meanwhile, girls like us eventually get over the heartbreak you caused. We meet our Prince Charmings and find meaning in our connections and work. We blossom while the boys who played us like rusty violin strings wilt.
One day I will meet a boy like you, but exponentially greater. He will make me question why I ever settled for you. He will make me puzzled as to why I ever thought that I deserved someone who incessantly tore me apart. He will support me, rather than undermine me. It is said by the masses that the love of my life will appear when I least expect him to. I choose to trust the masses, because that keeps me sane. I also choose to trust my inner voice and not neglect it anymore. I trust that I will meet a boy who will break through the icy tundra of my heart that you left me with and make me understand why the saying “good things come to those who wait” has merit. One day, you will be nothing more than a vague memory instead of the familiar melody I used to sing.
Sincerely,
A girl who deserves much better