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How To: Avoid Being a Hot Mess on the Weekend

Well hello ladies, I would first like to introduce myself since I just joined the University of Wisconsin-Madison hercampus team! My name is Brienne Schaefer, and I am currently a sophomore at the beloved, UW. This blog goes out to all of the classy women who may struggle during weekend festivities here on campus.

First, I would like to define what exactly a hot mess is. According to urbandictionary.com, a hot mess is “An intoxicated attractive girl dressed in a sexy outfit and heels that make her unbalanced dancing seductively while acting very drunk. They are often seen stumbling outside of bars/clubs, slurred speech and unable to keep eyes open for long periods of time.”

I am quite sure that we can all think back to a moment where we were all hot messes. I will be the first to admit I am occasionally a hot mess. I have “accidentally” dropped both my cellphone and camera in one of Logan’s toilets and even have lost a toe nail on State Street due to my poor heel choice for the night.
We all can remember our not so proud moments, so let’s all work together to avoid being hot messes on the weekend!

Here are 5 exceptional ways to avoid being a hot mess on the weekend:

1. Stick to Wedges
Let’s be real, we have all worn (or should I say “attempted” to wear) the Steve Madden 5-inch pumps to a party with the infamous black high-wasted skirt. However, ten steps out your door you have already begun stumbling and grabbing on to the nearest building wall to hold yourself up. By the time you know it, you’re holding your heels and trudging barefoot to the party. To avoid this hot mess problem, stick to wedges; it’s as simple as that. They are quite easier to walk in while intoxicated because they allow more support for your foot and keep you easily balanced. You will present yourself better because you won’t be clumsily falling as much. Avoid being a hot mess and go buy a pair of wedges!

P.S. From experience, I can say that it is even possible to run in wedges if you get stuck in a situation that makes you do so.

2. “Liquor Before Beer and You’re in the Clear”
Well this phrase sums it up easily enough. Ladies, if you want to avoid looking like a hot mess at the toilet of party or on the side of a house, make sure to have your shots or mixed-beverages before any consumption of beer. Hot messes are notorious for being spotted spewing up gawd-knows-what after a night of drinking beer before liquor…if you can remember this simple phrase, you’ll be clear of being a hot mess.

3. Do NOT Drink Emotionally
We have all broken up with a boyfriend, gotten in a fight with our annoying best friend, did poorly on an exam, etc. All of which puts us in a real shitty mood. If you think drinking that night will help, IT WILL NOT. Do not drink emotionally because the inner hot mess in you will start coming out. You don’t want to be found bawling at a party with your mascara running, using your shirt to wipe the snot off your nose and well, basically looking like this. In other words, alcohol is off limits if/when you are upset. Stick to Gatorade.

4. Set Cellphone to Airplane Mode
One of my friends has a serious case of drunk tweeting. This anonymous drunk witch (who I dearly love) tweeted so much one night that every single one of her guy friends from home tweeted back telling her to “lock it up with the tweets” and to “stop embarrassing [herself]”. Take a lesson from her: No one cares to see your misspelled, grammatically incorrect tweets, statuses and texts. Not to mention, no one wants to listen to your rambling voicemails you sent to them the night before either. Setting your cellphone on airplane mode allows you to not send/receive texts or phone calls…this way when you wake up in the morning and check your Facebook or Twitter, you will be pleasantly surprised that you don’t have to apologize for your drunken messages. Setting your phone to airplane mode will allow you to not make a fool of yourself on all of your social networks.

5. Don’t Overdo the Magic of a Push-Up Bra
Hot messes are infamous for pushing their goodies out as much as possible to “bring all of the boys to the yard”. Exposing some cleavage is quite all right, we all do it. But the minute a “nip-slip” occurs, you know you’ve officially entered the hot mess world. No one wants to see that, stick to some cleavage to avoid such embarrassment and still feel confident about yourself.

Following these five guidelines, I can promise that you will be on your way to not being a hot mess. Best of luck, and may your odds be ever in your favor!!
Peace and blessins’.

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