Going through your first break up is a wave of emotions almost every person experiences at some point in their lives. As much as we’d like to avoid it, it’s a healing and growing process that can mend us all into better people in the long run. The raw emotions are hard to articulate but I have found writing to be the best form of closure I can have at the moment. As embarrassing as it may feel to go through all of the intrusive thoughts that ran through my head the night after my break up, I was able to find clarity and hope in the months to come. I strongly recommend anyone who is experiencing this to take out your pen and paper (or laptop if your handwriting is as awful as mine) and give yourself the time to feel all of your emotions like I did below.
Ten months. Ten months of learning about one another, strengthening our feelings and celebrating one another’s accomplishments seemingly all go down the drain through a fifteen minute facetime. Some say your first break up hits the hardest and I couldn’t agree more. It’s currently been one day since my long-term boyfriend and I broke up and I can’t seem to stop my mind from constantly spinning. I can’t seem to stop asking myself the classic questions of “was this the right choice for us?” or “did I just lose the best thing to happen to me?”
There’s nothing else to really think about other than this sucks. Yes, I have supportive friends that all say things along the lines of “you deserve so much better,” “now you finally have your freedom” or “take this as a time to work on yourself”. But it is so difficult to agree with these things when there weren’t huge issues within our relationship. Each of us remained faithful and supportive until the last minutes of our relationship. The main issues arose in being at two different stages in our lives plus communicating while long distance. The hardest part of dating when you’re in your early twenties is no one is ever on the exact same page. You have some friends getting engaged, while others still have yet to be in an official relationship. All of us still have so much more to learn about ourselves and how can we be completely committed to another person when we don’t even know who we are or even what we want. Although some relationships are strong enough to figure out these questions while still being actively involved in growing the relationship, ours was not. There’s no one to blame when it’s a right person wrong time situation I’ve come to realize. This may be the most difficult part for me. I can’t lie or pretend that the relationship wasn’t healthy, it just wasn’t what either of us needed at this time.
Now, I’m trying to figure out who I am without him. Everyone seems to preach that independence is key, but it’s honestly terrifying. I feel as though I’m looking at myself in the mirror as an easel that’s been repainted white. It seems like it’s blank, but there are colors left over from the last painting that are still somewhat showing. This crushing new fear of being alone makes me want to just lay in bed all day, wallowing in my own pity. As much as I wish I could do this, the lovely midterms in my classes are closely approaching which, although is a good distraction at times, makes processing this much harder.
I’ve spent hours on Google and Reddit pages trying to figure out the best ways to get over this feeling of sadness and emptiness, but the main basis of all of them are circulated around time. I wish there was a way to control how I feel, but no matter how I look at this, I have to at some point come to the realisation that what we had was over and that’s okay. Right now, I’m having a really hard time dealing with the time aspect. Almost every song reminds me of him, walking around my apartment is causing flash-back memories of our movie dates and the rom-com version of a big embrace that happened every time he came to visit. I even had to leave the gym early, because a love song came on and I started to cry (can’t begin to describe the embarrassment I felt). I’m not ready to let go of our memories even though I’m able to see that our current relationship wasn’t attainable.
I’m hoping that in the upcoming months, I’ll be able to look back at this time in my life and smile. Even though it didn’t end the way either of us had hoped, I’m so thankful for the time I had with him and wouldn’t give it up for the world. I’m mostly writing this so I’ll be able to read through this when I’m in a better space and be able to look to my own future, not the one that me and him built together. As cliche as it sounds, I’m still a firm believer in everything happening for a reason. Maybe, I need to go through this crappy experience to grow as a person and a better partner. Maybe, our paths will cross again and we’ll find a way to work it out. But for now, I need to put myself first and walk down this completely new path blindly.
What’s really getting me through is a letter my Dad gave me. At the time, I didn’t really understand it, but now it’s the sturdy branch I’m holding onto in this flood of emotions. He wrote to me, “Love and trust others. You will be hurt sometimes, but the rewards always outweigh the hurt.” Even though all I’m feeling right now is hurt, I know that I’ll recover and eventually be ready to not only love another, but love myself again. I’m sure there’s going to be other times throughout my life where I have to face this again, but that’s life. That’s the beauty and downfall of young love. We can try to hide from this as much as we want, but in doing that we are missing out on some of the most beautiful aspects of our lives. My only advice as a bitter single twenty year old is to continue to love, even if there’s a risk of getting hurt. Love always outweighs the hurt eventually.