Being single in college means getting used to hearing the same things.
“Me too, God, I hate being single.”
“You need to put yourself out there. Like, you’re missing out on people.”
“Get Tinder, it’s kind of fun.”
“Yeah I better not break up with my partner I could never be single again.”
And on and on and on. Most people don’t want to be single. They don’t believe when other people say they’re okay with being single. They don’t like when ‘taken’ people say they’re ‘jealous’ of single people. I get it. I really do. But sometimes, when I’m talking about relationships, I hear some reasons behind getting into a relationship that aren’t a good foundation. Wanting a relationship is perfectly normal and fine! But sometimes, our rush to get into one can be a sign to do work in other areas. Let’s get into it.
I need to be in a relationship because….
because if I’m not in a relationship it means no one wants me. I’m unwanted. No one’s looking to be with me if I’m single.
Consider the fact that you don’t approach everyone you’re interested in. Consider the fact that when you walk in a room you might not notice EVERYONE. Consider the fact that most of your life you aren’t in settings that really seem like times to ask someone out. Consider the fact that most of the time you probably aren’t even picking up on the fact that someone’s flirting with you. (Seriously, it’s been studied- in 2013 a study at the University of Kansas found that on average people can only identify when they’re being flirted with 27% of the time.) Consider the fact that other people’s perception of you has absolutely zero ties to your worth. You’re worthy regardless of anyone’s perceived interest in you. And what does wanting someone really even mean? Remember, that people can want you without being capable of loving you. People can want to be with you without having any of the ability to LOVE you the way you deserve to be loved. And furthermore, how many times have you thought someone might like you, or someone even told you they liked you, and you immediately jumped to thinking, “No, that’s ridiculous, they would never like me.” Even the idea of being wanted suddenly becomes impossible. It’s not that simple. It becomes a reexamination of how you view yourself, your self worth, and the compassion you have for yourself. Looking to be wanted rather than being truly seen and loved can lead us to accept less than we deserve. And you deserve too much to settle for less.
BEcause I’ve always been in a relationship. I’m a relationship person. I don’t really think I can be single- be by myself.
I think one of the biggest myths when it comes to relationships is that you can’t find yourself in a relationship. Plenty of people have partners and are still discovering themselves. However, I think it can become a problem when you feel like you cannot be yourself by yourself. Your true self cannot be completely tied to another person. There’s a difference between someone being so dear to you that they draw out the real you and someone being so engrained in you they become the source of the “real you”. Relationships should be an extension of yourself not your whole self. Ask yourself if you feel you lose yourself in relationships. Ask yourself if you know what the real you feels like and what they look like when they come out. Are you enough for yourself? Because you’re always enough no matter who you’re with or what other people tell you.
Because I’m [21, 23, 25, 27….] years old. I should be with someone at this point. I should have some experience. I’m not where I should be at all.
Say it with me- LOVE DOES NOT HAVE A TIMELINE. Some people find it in high school. Some people find it in their 30s. Some people don’t find it until their 50s. Some people find that it was right in front of them for years, and they just never grasped it until way down the line. With the billions of people spread across the world, do you think that the only place and time for you to find love is where you’ve already been and what you’ve already gone through? With all the places love can exist do you think you’ve seen them all? No. Stop putting an expiration date on yourself and on love.
BEcause all my friends are in relationships. I can’t be the single friend. I don’t fit in with them by myself. I just feel like I’m constantly on the outside.
It can be really isolating to feel like you’re existing in a entirely different bubble from your friends. They’re out having these experiences that you’re not, and especially as you get older you might feel like you’re behind. But a partner isn’t a means to complete a set or feel like you finally match everyone around you. You also will not being getting the same experience as your friends by trying to push yourself into a relationship for the sake of accommodating their environment. You’ll only get that by being ready for one and entering into it with someone who you truly know and want to be with. Really, if your friends can’t find ways to include you or be with you without you having a partner that’s something to talk about. Your friendship shouldn’t be contingent on you following the exact same life path as them. It’s great that they have someone, but it shouldn’t create a wall between you.
Because I feel like it would make me a better person. like if I was with someone who could help me to do that Maybe it would change me. I would be happy.
Our interpersonal relationships can and do make us better people. When we intertwine our lives with someone they always teach us something regardless of what it is. You should form relationships with people who help you to find your best self and discover new territories together. However, there are some things that we cannot expect other people to do for us. There are discoveries about our behaviors, needs, and traumas that need more than just a romantic partner to navigate. Navigating these things WHILE being in a relationship is totally possible. It takes time to get through these things! You probably will find yourself in a relationship while you’re still engaging in this inner work. The problem comes when you walk into a relationship expecting that person, this partnership, and the love from it to ‘fix’ you or make your feelings go away. This is stemmed in a fundamental skewed view of one’s self. Your partner and their love can help but it will not solve and it should not be your only outlet of growth. Don’t let this make you believe that you’re not ‘deserving’ of love! I see a lot of people who deal with mental health issues or trust issues try to convince themselves that because they have some self-work to do that they don’t deserve to be with someone. This isn’t true! You DESERVE love at all points in your life. This is simply saying to take the time to examine if you’re at a place in that inner work where you can also properly handle a relationship and the investment it takes towards another person.
BEcause everyone says I should want one. I’m not sure if I really want it, but it seems like what’s normal. I should want love like that.
You owe no one their expectations of you. If you don’t want long-term romantic love right now that is completely okay. If you don’t want it EVER that’s okay too. If you feel like you don’t ever experience romantic love or have any real desire to that is OKAY. You can find your versions of love in platonic bonds and domestic partnerships. Your versions of love could be in your major interests and passions. Romantic love is not the only way to have companionship! You do not have to pursue a relationship just because it’s what expected of you. You owe it to no one.
Because I want to be in one. I want to be with someone. I feel like it’s time. Is that okay?
ABSOLUTELY. It’s odd how we as a society shame the desire for intimacy. There’s something almost embarrassing about saying you want to be with someone. Humans are built for interaction. We are meant to build interpersonal relationships. We rely on the support from others. We bond through emotion. So why should we feel bad about wanting relationships? The truth is there is no shame in wanting a relationship because you want one. There’s no shame in doing things to get there. No shame in dating apps. No shame in speed dating. No shame in blind dates. No shame in putting yourself out there! What you’re always looking for in your pursuit of a relationship is that the motivation to do so is stemming ultimately from a desire to share your life with someone and have their life shared with you. You have a desire to form a partnership that you know you’ll have to work on. There’s a fundamental knowledge that even within this relationship there will be work, and you will still have to work on yourself. There’s a solid understanding of what you deserve and what your worth is, and that accepting any less for either is not an option. There’s also a solid understanding of the respect, compassion, and care that must be extended to others.
But if pursuing relationship seems like it’s meant to please someone else, or to fill a hole, or to extinguish something you don’t want to feel- it’s not the time. It’s not the reason. It’s not the solution.
You can be in a relationship if you want to be. If you want to have one, you can go forward with pursuing it. But you don’t have to have it to be anything or become anything. That’s all you. That’s all you, babe.