These past few years I have been feeling like I have been planning and preparing for my future so much that I have not had time to live in the Present. I could probably name on one hand how many times I haven’t been thinking about “what’s next” since my junior year of high school. Now that I have made it into college and I’m wrapping up my 4 years all I can think about is the Past. I am living around everything but the Present and what a crime to myself that is.
The future has constantly been on my mind since I started high school, but junior year is when I had to decide what I wanted to for the rest of my life at 17-18. Now here I am at 21 getting my last few credits while my advisor and family ask me what I want to do with my degree. Honestly, I have no answer except that I want to travel the world and help people while doing so. These days I imagine myself on every continent and sailing across every sea with not a care in the world except “where to next.” I even dream of opening my own farmer’s market that brings a community together through shared goods. But here I am in my room thinking about the next assignment or internship or job opportunity that will get me to where I want to be, constantly.
The past has plagued my thoughts lately as well because it has shaped my present. Did I pick the right major? Did I pick the right college? “Will the career path bring me the money I want?” All the decisions I made during my high school career bother me even if they were the right ones. How was I supposed to think about my career choice when one of my biggest concerns was having one last good time with all my friends before we went our separate ways to college? I miss those times. But that’s over with and I must make new memories that I come to love as much as those. The past is something I can’t change the “what ifs” have been making their way into my mind more often.
The present, something that I have been on autopilot with. Living in the present has been hard for me because the past and future consume all my thoughts these days. I have won awards and made the Dean’s List for my academics but the only thing I do is say “oh wow.” Then I’m right back to the next assignment. Even after I finish one assignment I’m on to the next, to the point where it affects my daily life. Before going to bed I think about all the assignments I have the next day and when I wake up, I think about all the things I have for the day. So, I guess that is why I daydream about the future, of visiting London, Athens, Rio de Janeiro, and of my Farmer’s Market. I want to live a million different lives in this one lifetime. The thought of that, it keeps me going. I have been making it to different checkpoints in my life and I forgot to live. But I choose to live now.