When I was in the fourth grade, my parents got divorced. From there, my life became a battle of custody and seeing which parent could win the courts heart. I moved from home to home, was placed in public school for the first time, and found out that life was not so easy after all. My first signs of anxiety arose when I was in the fifth grade. I remember panicking in my classes and being escorted into the hallway to calm down. It only got worse. By the time I reached seventh grade, I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety. The court forced me into therapy and later required my admittance into a hospital (as an outpatient). It was hell. I was broken and after all of that, I will never be the same. Here are a few poems from my broken mind.
- Covered in Roses
-
I often forget
What the pills really do
How they mask
the signs of pain
inside my brain.
I get so used to the idea of
normal
that when I no longer feel
normal
I question it all.
It’s hard knowing
that my sanity is based on doses
and that if I stop them
I’ll find myself dead and covered in
Roses.
- Lol Just vibing
-
My life is slowly dying
But honestly I’m still smiling
So everything is fine
But deep down I’m lying
Everything is fun
But I’ve stopped trying
And Everyone is laughing
Until I start crying
Lol just vibing :)
- the girl you saw
-
Questions keep swirling in my head
I feel like I’m drowning in my dread
Is this God or is this Fate
Please tell me I can fix this
It’s not too late
When I die
I hope to be
The girl you saw
Inside me
If I break
Before I leave
And fall apart
On your sleeve
I hope you know
I was trying
I pray
you aren’t crying
- Aging
-
When did I agree
This would be me?
When did I say
This is my day?
Where did I go
So long ago?
How did I age
Into this cage?
- leave me be
-
Please let me die
Before I wake
And leave my soul behind
To take
Kill me in your
Breathe
I beg
Keep me until
Another day I dread
Force my bones
To shatter
And feel me no longer
Matter
For if I die
Before you see
Leave me be
Just leave me be
As I age, I grow and as I grow, I became stronger. I can’t say I am always doing well or that my pains have decreased. I can however say that I have learned to be stronger around the pain. I have found people who support and love me. I have admitted I needed help and I work everyday to remind myself that I am worth something. My history will always be a part of me. I will always be that girl who was crying in the hallway as a fifth grader. Maybe we are not the same and maybe you have not felt this type of pain but through it all, despite what you are going through, someone cares and has been there too. I never thought I would live past 15 and now here I am, 5 years later and amazed at my life. You have that strength too. Keep going beautiful.