It is so important to write a cyber journal. Looking at what I have written in the past about how I felt about life, and love is staggeringly different from what I feel now. I want to kiss the Angela that was in love and tell her to rest. She loved even if it meant sparing what she believed. I think heartbreak was something very crucial to my growth. People may say, “duh”, but no really…..I am probably healthier and mentally stronger than I ever was, and I have a feeling that it’s only the beginning.
I see so clearly now that the love I gave to him was the love I needed to give to me. Now that I am experiencing that love, I know now that everyone else will be wonderful extras. I don’t make promises, and I won’t start now, but I know that my life is better because of the journey I had with myself through falling out of love. I had so much displaced love. As I was reading my old journal entry, all I could do was ask myself….could you make yourself a list this thorough? Do you know yourself enough to tell your next lover how to take care of you? I love critiquing my own thoughts really. Is it because I am a new Angela with new information from time passing, yes…yes I am. Does it make me less correct? No, no it doesn’t. As I type these words I think I owe myself an ode of love. I think it will never be perfect, because life is continuous and my mind is forever receiving new information, but as I am also learning, you have to start in order to figure out which direction you’re supposed to go…so here it is my love:
Please, whoever reads this please know that you have the most special human being wrapped around your finger. She loves you. She doesn’t trust well, and the fact that she let you in her space is an honor, treat it as such. She loves kisses in the rain, she loves margaritas next to burritos topped with beans and rice….do not forget the beans or she will in fact argue with the waiter.
Tell her to breathe. She gets anxious at times. She needs reassurance. She needs patience from you, not because she’s a lot to handle but because she is handling a lot. Tell her you love her, show her you love her, she will not be unappreciative, she will always find ways to tell you she sees your efforts.
Do not lie to her. Her heart is chipped away every time she is deceived. She finds that if you find her worth telling the truth, then she is valuable in your eyes. She does not care what you think of her, as long as you respect her and show her. Do not make her feel small. She is a large force to be reckoned with. She will always win, and if you think she’s lost, it just means she hasn’t won yet.
Make her fruit bowls. When she was little her father woke up in the mornings as she and her sister watched cartoons and made grapes that tasted clean because he took great care to make his daughters clean fruit. As she looks back on this moment, she realizes that this was a form of love that you just can’t buy, or come across anymore.
Tell her she’s pretty, and if you don’t think it you might need to leave. That is one of her non-negotiables. You have to know and think that she’s as sexy as she thinks she is. Call her narcissistic, call her arrogant, but the statement still stands. You don’t always have to tell her verbally, but verbally is preferred. Never treat her like an option, because you yourself will become one….quickly.
Buy her flowers. No one ever has. Hug her when she cries because she cries a lot. Never belittle her emotions, because she wouldn’t dare belittle yours. Nurture her many hobbies. They will come back to aid you in the future. Feed her. Kiss her cheeks, grow plants with her, and for heaven’s sake paint with her…you don’t have to be an artist…she simply will do things with you because she likes spending time with you.
Know that when she nags she cares. Know that she needs you to help her navigate when it comes to directions. Know that she likes her coffee sweet, with a little bit of coffee and a whole lot of milk. Her favorite food is no longer chocolate. It’s a sandwich and a chicken noodle soup from Panera Bread.
She’s awkward but always means well. And just know that she always loves you the best way she knows how. But most of all, tell her to never stop loving herself in the midst of being swept up with you. When you say, and in addition show this, you will have her until.
Angela, I love you. Angela, you are beautiful. Angela, you mean so much to me, and your community. You deserve a love so sweet, that you will die with the taste of it on your lips and wake up in the nether realms still tasting the moments until your love decides to follow you; and they will love you even after they follow you. Would you like to know why? Because that’s how much you love yourself. Even when you pass, you’d still choose your life. You would still choose your spirit. You found that life isn’t cold, you just needed to provide yourself with the warmth of your own fire. You are a burning light brighter than any sun in the universe. You are within yourself a reflection of the divine. Never doubt you. Would you doubt the universe’s work? No matter the cost, always love you.