One night. That’s all it took for me to realize that I love him.
About a month ago, a week after I moved into my new place, I went to a house party and my stupid drunken-self decided to message him on Snapchat. I can’t even remember what I said, but all I remember is that I messaged him first. **Before I get into this, I just want to let you know that I have known this guy for a year and a half. We’ve stayed friends and he’s always been in the back of my mind.** After I messaged him, he messaged me back because he had been drinking too and he was trying to convince me to drive up to see him. I sat in my bed and thought about it, but since I was tipsy, I convinced him to drive down and see me instead.
At first, I couldn’t believe he was actually doing this. I thought he was kidding and was trying to tease me because I hadn’t seen this guy in over 8 months. I had already showered and was in bed about to pass out. After a lot of convincing him and fighting with myself, he said he would drive down at 2:30 a.m. and spend the night with me. As soon as he said that, I got dressed, tried to straighten my hair a little bit, put on a little makeup and tried to look my best – hell I hadn’t seen him in almost a year, of course I wanted to look good. When he called me when he was almost to my house, I freaked out.
When he got to my house, it was surreal seeing him – I couldn’t tell the butterflies in my stomach to shut up! It was like time hadn’t passed and we picked up exactly where we left off. When we kissed, it sent my heart to my stomach and I immediately thought to myself, yep this is so right.
Over the past year and a half, him and I have had so much sexual tension built up. I’m not sure what it is, but I am so attracted to him it’s insane…it’s like I’m addicted to him. When we finally had sex, it was probably the best sex and night of my life. Not only did we finally have sex, but he was also the first guy I ever had sex with and who spent the night. After we did it, we were catching up about each other’s lives and I was telling him about my summer and he was telling me about his work life. We cuddled and laughed and kissed until we fell asleep, naked together in my bed.
I couldn’t believe he was actually there with me. I never thought he was attracted to me the way I was attracted to him. I always thought he was way out of my league. He’s Mr. Bigshot and there’s little me trying to graduate and make it in the world. Why was he attracted to me? Why did he come down that night? Was he just bored, or did he really miss me and want to see me?
The next morning I woke up after 4 hours of sleep and his back was facing me. That’s when I realized it. I realized that I’ve always loved him. Maybe the sex had something to do with it, but it all made sense at that moment. Whenever we first met a year and a half ago, I felt an instant connection. We sat at a coffee shop for 2 hours and talked about everything, and that was the first time I had ever felt a spark with someone in my entire life. He made me laugh, he motivated me, he’s sweet, loves kids and is super confident, which is sexy to all women.
I laid there that next morning and stared at him while he was sleeping. I looked at his neck, his shoulders, his back, his tattoo, his ears and his hair and couldn’t help but smile because I knew in that moment that I’ve always loved him deep down. As I was laying there looking at him, all of those thoughts came together at once and it gave me a clear answer. My heart was telling me that it was love, but my head was telling me to shut up and to not love him. This internal conflict stays with me to this day.
Since then, I haven’t seen him. I’m not sure if I did something wrong or if he’s just too busy to see me, but I can’t get him out of my mind and it’s driving me absolutely crazy. Is this love? Constantly thinking about the person and wanting to see them 24/7? He says he wants to see me again, and we’ve tried countless times to see each other and something always doesn’t work out. Is he not ready for something serious? Does he just see me as a friend? I wish I knew what he was thinking.
The thing about all of this is that I have this gut feeling inside of me that knows the two of us would be absolutely amazing together. My gut never lies and I fight for what I want. I’m fighting for him. I’ve never been the type of girl to pursue a man like this, but for some reason, I am pursuing the heck out of this guy and I’m not giving up until he realizes how much of an idiot he is. When I know something is right, I try all I can to make it happen.
Loving someone who might not love you back is one of the worst feelings in the entire world. Collegiettes, I wish I could give you all some advice about how to handle this situation, but I’m still trying to figure it out myself. I sure didn’t expect my senior year of college to be like this and I didn’t think that he would come back in my life again, but sometimes some of the best things in life are unexpected. As of right now, I’m taking it day-by-day and hour-by-hour. I’m not going to wait around for him to realize that what he wants is right dead in front of him, but I am looking forward to the day that he realizes it because I do know that good things come to those who are patient.
In the mean time, I plan on focusing on myself and drinking wine and hoping that I can try not to think about him so much. Maybe I’ll understand all of this one day, or maybe I’ll never get answers, but as of right now in this moment in time, I am keeping my head held high…and you should too.