Dear…YOU.
Now that we’re broken up, I feel like now is as good of a time as any to tell you how much our relationship ruined me.
I would hate for you to see this and think that I regret being with you because the truth is that I don’t. I loved you more than you would ever give me credit for. I sacrificed so much for you–for us–that you never took the time to notice or appreciate. For 2 years, I made excuses for you, I protected you and I fought for a relationship that was doomed from the start. I just couldn’t give up on you.
I was depressed and struggling with an eating disorder when you came into my life and I needed you, so you made me feel better. You made me smile again. Maybe that’s why I felt like I owed you so much.
You used to tell me that I wasn’t strong or confident enough to be with a guy like you. You would say that I needed to prove my love for you while I went to bed every night wondering if you even cared about me. You would say you were coming over and then not show up. You never took me out on dates or claimed me as your girlfriend. You would threaten to leave me, find someone else or have sex with another girl when you didn’t get what you wanted. I stopped keeping track of how many times you threatened to leave. I knew you wouldn’t.. You liked having so much control over me that you could do or say whatever you wanted and I would stay anyway.
You were controlling and emotionally abusive. I never wanted to call it that when we were together, but that’s exactly what it was. I wouldn’t stick up for myself because it was never worth the argument. You would talk down to me and invalidate my feelings. You were never wrong. You’d make me cry and I’d end up apologizing. As you know by now, I got tired of apologizing. I got sick of crying at night. I was fed up with the arguments, threats and broken promises. I have had enough.
And that’s why I left you.
You didn’t like that very much…I know how much you hate not being in control. Kind of sucks, doesn’t it?
I have a new number now, and even though we weren’t together, you still felt like you could control what I did and where I was, and that was my fault. I gave you that power. I let you think you could. I didn’t want to hear from you or your family and friends about how I was making a huge mistake and I needed to fix it.
I made the best decision of my life that day.
In case you were wondering, I’m still doing great.
I am so happy. I feel like I can breathe again.
I had no idea how destructive your behavior was. I didn’t realize how bad things had gotten until I left. I finally have control, something I haven’t had in far too long. I know you hate that. I know you hate to see me doing so well without you but I’ve never been this strong or confident in my entire life.
There’s always this constant fear that you’re going to find a way back into my life. I’m scared you may get my new number and the harassment will start again. I’m afraid that you’ll continue to show up at my house because that’s the only way you can get a hold of me.
I wish you knew better. I wish you knew that I don’t deserve this. I wish you truly loved me because if you did, you’d want what’s best for me and know it isn’t you.
So I’ll end this by saying thank you. Thank you for opening my eyes to everything I DON’T want in my next relationship, to making me aware of every red flag and every thing I don’t deserve to be put through.
Now, I know better.
And, all of the girls and guys and whoever is reading this and needs to hear it, it’s never too late to get control of your life back. It is never too late or a bad time to put yourself and your happiness first. We only get one shot at this whole life thing. It’s terrifying at first, truly terrifying. But if your heart is telling you to leave, do it and don’t look back. Trust me, you wont regret it.
Stay strong and stay safe, Collegiettes!