It’s been a long time since I thought about “us” as if we were ever a thing. It might have been something small to me, but it was never anything to you. And I accept that. I accept that I was another “notch under your belt”. Someone you thought you would have a fling with.
But we both know I am worth more than that.
And that is why we didn’t work out. You were the cool, popular person, and I was the girl who just made it by. People knew me, but at the same time, they didn’t. We were destined to never work out from the beginning. I may overthink this, and I’m definitely putting more thought into it than you are, but you will never know what you did to me, when you told me, “we” would never happen.
I didn’t get out of bed that day.
That was the final straw, after a series of horrible things that had previously happened to me. I was done, beat, and ready to give up. So, that day, I didn’t leave my bed. You gave a one-worded apology, and that was it. Our little “thing” wasn’t enough for you, and you bolted.
Please know, that what I went through was never your fault.
Everything that came after your text was just a result of the build-up of sadness I’d collected. To put it short, and save you the trouble, I became depressed. I write this now, with tears in my eyes, just going back to how horrible that time was in my life. It was hands-down, the scariest thing I’ve ever experienced. I wasn’t myself. I was just getting by. I looked and acted fine on the outside, but on the inside, I was drowning. I felt trapped.
I couldn’t explain this to anyone, in fear that I would look like an over-dramatic, clingy teenager.
You’ll never know what went on in the months that followed your text, and that’s okay, because you weren’t meant to. I don’t know why I’ve addressed this to you, or why you seem like the appropriate person to address it to. In reality, I’m sure you’ll never see this, and if you do, you won’t know it’s you. Like I said, you will have never thought about this. Harsh, I know. But, this isn’t a sad story. That winter was hard, but, there’s always a light at the end. I eventually consulted my parents, and I got help. Predictable, and cliche, but no one except myself will know how hard it was to tell your mother that you have been perpetually sad, and thought the most awful things of yourself.
But, here I am, years later. I try to keep up with where you are in life. You seem the same, and I guess the saying is true, some people never change. But, time passes. I have no ill thoughts towards you. You were the final step before my really dark time, but you were never the cause of it. And it took me awhile to see that. While it wasn’t your fault, I did blame you for a while. It’s taken time to realize it wasn’t your fault. You didn’t even play but a small key, but here I am, addressing this insanely long letter, to you.
On the off-chance you know it’s you, I want to say sorry. But, I’m not. That dark time made me the strong person I am today. I think I wrote this to you because I want you to see that your small, insigificant part in my life, didn’t effect me like I previously thought it would. I want you to see that. Because maybe by the end of this letter, you’ll feel kind of bad, but that wasn’t the point. I’m starting to think this letter was more for me. To show me where I’ve been, and where I’ll go. To let you go, and stop thinking about why I couldn’t have been good enough for you. I never would have been, and I guess that’s okay.
It’s time to really move on.
I’m letting you go. You were never mine, and you never wanted to be. I’m sorry this is so long. It has been a pleasure not talking to you again.
Signed,
The Girl Who Was Never Yours