Before I start, let me just say: Christmas is my favorite time of year. The atmosphere of Christmas lights, the weather, the parties, the food, getting to see my family, and – for the most part – the music. But there are some songs that turn even me into the Grinch for a few minutes. Listen to them, learn them, and if someone at your Christmas party starts to play them, make a hasty exit.
Bah, humbug.
#6: Redneck 12 Days of Christmas – Jeff Foxworthy
Never before has a song made me cringe as much as this one. “Whoo! Somebody done been to the Walmart!”
#5: 12 Pains of Christmas – Bob Rivers
As a child, this song made me feel so guilty for wanting Christmas presents. Hearing it now just makes me sad and confused. Who are these people and why do they hate Christmas?
#4: I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus
I have so many questions. Is the dad just dressed like Santa? Or is the mother cheating on her husband with Santa Claus? Is the child observing the cheating actually Santa’s kid? Will people ever stop covering this song? (I did my best to find the original, but I’m not even sure this is it.)
#3: Dominick the Christmas Donkey – Lou Monte
Because those warm Mediterranean temperatures and Italian hills are just too much for Santa’s reindeer to handle.
#2: Funky Funky Christmas – New Kids on the Block
I…I don’t even know what to say about this. Just listen for yourself. I’m going to go get some cotton balls to soak up the blood coming out of my ears.
#1: Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer – Elmo and Patsy
The stockings are hung, the tree is decorated, a warm fire is crackling and you have a steaming mug of cocoa in your hands…this Christmas only needs one more thing to be absolutely perfect. Involuntary manslaughter.
Honorable Mention: Last Christmas by Wham!
I point out this song whenever I get caught regifting. If George Michael can do it, why can’t I?
Merry Christmas, collegiettes!