November 3rd is National Stress Awareness Day. With the nights getting longer and the days getting crisper, everything around us is changing within a single blink. With all of these changes, it can be hard to find something that grounds us, and something that many of us gravitate towards is our intimate partners. Sometimes they can be the best supporters and give us immediate clarity and other times they can be what is harming us or making us feel stressed. This realization can be incredibly hard to accept when all we want is for them to be our oasis. Now don’t get me wrong, even an amazing partner can make us want to strangle them or scream at the top of our lungs—no relationship is perfect. But, there are a few fundamental things that can help avoid that nagging and overwhelming relationship anxiety that some of us experience.
When I first met my now boyfriend of almost two years, I had absolutely no idea what a healthy, stable relationship looked like. I had only ever experienced intense, unstable relationships that would constantly fuel my anxiety. So, when I met him I had no clue what a healthy relationship was supposed to look like (needless to say, we had a lot of kinks to work through). Throughout these kinks, I have learned a few things that are now staples in our relationship that I would like to share with all of you. Perhaps they will help you when the water becomes murky.
1. Create Rules for When You Argue
This may seem silly, but it is something that has helped us work through some of our nastiest fights. One of our major rules is to never insult one another or take personal digs. We are both incredibly passionate about this and have lived up to it to this day. It is incredibly reassuring knowing that when you tell your partner how you feel, even if they are mad or upset, there is no room for personal digs or insults. It creates a safe space for each person to voice their thoughts and feelings, and it also forces each person to be honest. You cannot just say “you’re annoying me.” You actually have to communicate what is going on in your head without using your frustration as a default.
2. Discuss Your Personal Coping Mechanisms for When Issues Arise
What I mean by this is is that you need to discuss with your partner if you are the type of person that needs space or if you need to talk things out right away. If this isn’t talked about beforehand, it can be incredibly stressful to enter a fight and realize that your partner is not responding to you properly. This action, without being told beforehand that it could happen, can make the other partner begin to spiral and panic—especially if they are the type that needs to talk it out right away. For me, I like to take my time to process things whereas my partner wants to talk it out right away. At the beginning of our relationship, I did not express this to him and so he thought that I was purposefully ignoring him when I just thought I was taking time to think so that I could collect my thoughts. I was unintentionally creating more anxiety and stress for him and so by the time that we would try to talk it out, he would have already come to harsh conclusions and thoughts because of the unchecked rumination.
3. Remind Each Other of the Important Stuff
Even if you think that it should be implied, if someone is going through a rough spot, it can never hurt to know that their partner is in the same corner. For instance, when I become stressed I personally enjoy hearing a simple, “Hey, I love you” or, “I’m not mad at you. Don’t worry about me, focus on more pressing matters.” This can be especially important if their love language is words of affirmation.
4. Get to Know Each Other’s Love Languages
Like mentioned above, it can be incredibly useful to understand your significant other’s love language.. This means how they like to receive love and give it. My partner and I struggled with this when we first met as I LOVE words of affirmation and physical touch, while his way of showing love is acts of service and gift giving. I would constantly wonder, “why doesn’t he show that he cares?” when in reality, his small gifts of chocolates and cleaning my room was his way of showing that he cares—I just couldn’t see it. His love languages are affirmation and physical touch, and that is also how I give love, so for him it was easy to stay in the same mindset. However, this created a shift in dynamic, when he felt more loved than I did solely because our love languages were different. It can take so much weight and stress off of a relationship when there is less room for guessing.
5. Always Remember to Say Thank You
It is so easy to forget because we always automatically believe that they know how much we love them and how grateful we are for them. But in reality, they need to hear it just as much as we do. It is such a simple yet vital part of keeping a happy relationship. Every partner loves to hear, “Hey, I appreciate what you do for me” and, “Thank you for all that you do for me.” It also gives us a moment to realize how grateful we should be––especially during stressful times when it is so easy to focus on the negative.
Even though these worked for me, I understand that every relationship is as unique as a snowflake and it is impossible to recreate the same thing twice. But with the holidays coming around the corner and finals coming into view, it is nice to be able to sit back and reflect. Partners are not everything that the world has to offer, but they do sometimes make our world complete. Make sure that through all of the chaos you remember to breathe and hold your partner’s hand or send them a quick text to remind them of that.