(Photo courtesy of The Huffington Post)
Stop Telling Women to Smile is a street art project birthed out of the frustration many women have felt as a result of street harassment. This harassment, whether it comes in the form of silent leers or the infamous cat calls, is confronted by women on a daily basis–when they are on their way to work, heading home or just strolling about. Seldom, do women get the chance to confront their harassers or feel comfortable enough doing so–Tatyana Fazlalizadeh’s project gives them the platform to do it.
With the relationship between women and street harassment being long and constantly relegated to the private sphere, it was a welcomed opportunity to have Ms. Fazlalizadeh come talk to students about an issue many women are inflicted with constantly. Just because whistling and suggestive comments have come to a certain point of normalization within society does not mean that the topic has ceased to deserve further discussion and, more importantly, that it is ok. Those fleeting words that are passed off as “admiration” or “praise” are too often seen as harmless, neglecting the severity of their consequences. What the public discourse fails to recognize is that street harassment is more than flirty comments being thrown out at a passerby, it is an infringement on one’s personal space. But this does not go unnoticed by the women who experience harassment and as a result many of the posters featured in Stop Telling Women to Smile allude to this sort of physicality that street harassment produces, touching on the objectification of the female body and the expectation women face to engage in interactions that are not initiated by them.
What the public discussion, when there is any, also seems to ignore is that street harassment can turn fatal quickly.Take the case of Mary Spears, a mother of three, who was fatally shot after turning down a man. She was celebrating at a bar in Detroit with family members, including her fiancé, when a stranger approached her. After explaining to the man that she was in a relationship and was not interested in talking, he continued to harass her. Eventually this man was escorted from the bar but that didn’t stop him from attacking Spears when she went outside. Quickly a brawl ensued, ending with Spears dead after three gunshot wounds. While this altercation didn’t happen on the streets, it very much embodies the extremities street harassment can lead to if given the chance to escalate.
Cases like these, which are not unique although rarely reported on, are examples of street harassment transcending past the vocal into the physical-something many women think about when put in that position.
Should I smile just so I don’t piss them off or risk them potentially following me because I didn’t respond?
A question like this is not unfamiliar to a woman passing by a group of men yelling suggestive comments at her, this option to compromise or stay true to herself. Many times, I’ve found myself obliging with a small grin (more like grimace) so there wouldn’t be the chance of a follow-up. In these instances, I don’t care about what these men think or say but I am aware that my decision to not respond may come off as rude, offensive even. Having control only over myself, how the other person reacts to my response (or lack thereof) is up for them to decide and I often choose to play the game so that it doesn’t escalate.
There have been times I’ve even participated in a conversation, strained largely on my end, because I was in a situation that either didn’t allow me to walk away or I felt I shouldn’t have to. In one of these instances, I had an older man sit by me at a bus stop and attempt to strike up a conversation. At first I wasn’t bothered, since I saw it as an elder being polite to his fellow commuter. But soon I began to feel uncomfortable with all the questions, his reassuring me that it was ok to answer–definitely a result of him seeing my visible discomfort–and his comments about seeing me around town before on multiple occasions. After a certain point, I got frustrated and started to move away. Regardless of his intent, he could see that I wasn’t comfortable engaging anymore (and so could the stranger who walked by and asked if everything was ok). But he still kept talking and my bus was minutes away. It had gotten to the point where I did not want to speak to this man at all but I didn’t want to come off as rude or abrasive– and I wanted to catch my bus so I could get home.
I remember texting my friends after and struggling to explain in words just how constraining/horrible/weird the experience was. I was pissed off that I had to deal with this man so that I could do what I needed to do and felt a combination of frustration and anger at myself and the situation overall; what I wanted to do– tell him to leave me alone– stood in conflict with what I felt I had to, that is to avoid conflict, shorten my responses and slowly move away.
I can’t say this logic about how to deal with the situation was produced entirely by me. Ever since I could travel on my own, I’ve been constantly warned about how to engage with strangers, particularly men. The advice would go along the lines of while you don’t want to engage you don’t want to act in a way that can be misinterpreted and cause him to become offended. In other words, let him down without him even knowing. This advice, which I’m sure isn’t unique, is given validity with cases like that of Mary Spears, where women are harmed, sometimes fatally, for offending a man’s ego. So I get why I would be advised to treat the matter delicately. But, to me, that “solution” only serves to make the problem more bearable–not address it or work to actively dismantle it.
The real solution is for society to get to the point where it is understood that no man or woman is obligated to engage with another, that engaging is a privilege not a requirement. We need to educate children, our parents, even our elders, that it is not another being’s responsibility to participate in the swelling of another’s ego, especially in exchanges that cause one to feel uncomfortable. The only responsibility we have as human beings is to create a space where men and women feel safe to walk around and not pressured to oblige in requests or commands for the sake of avoiding negative repercussions.
An example of this solution playing out in a real-life scenario? You may be outside and a woman walks by without a smile on her face. You want to yell out “You’re too pretty to frown, smile!” thinking it may make her day better. Don’t. Her expression could be a result of a variety of reasons: she’s had a bad day or she’s off in her own world, not worried about what her face looks like to the outside world. It could even be that she simply does not want to engage in a conversation and her face is a shield used for protection. Whatever the reasons, if you really care about what she’s thinking, you can try asking. But don’t tell her to smile– she’ll smile when she wants to.