(Image courtesy of http://www.ncwd-youth.info/blog)
#1 Pick an Appropriate Time and Place
This is the first step. You’ve done all the emotional and psychological preparation you can do at this point. Now, it’s time to put everything to the test. This is the first step of the marathon: make sure it’s an appropriate time and place. Not a convenient time and place, or the “right” time and place. Those two things are too subjective, and can orient the conversation in favor of one or the other. Appropriate means both people’s lives, concerns, schedules are conducive to having the conversation; this doesn’t mean the process of finding that appropriate time will be easy, but it needs to be appropriate.
#2 Be Respectful
Avoid the biggest mistake made in this situation: developing a combative mindset. This makes the discussion ineffective from the outset; while some arguments need to be had, and in a more assertive manner, when people become combative things have gotten too personal. How do we avoid this? Some things to help: first, make sure both people are addressing a behavior, or an issue and not a person; when you discuss the motivation behind, cause and effects of a behavior, it helps to remove the potential for character assassinating that happens. Put yourself in the other person’s shoes, don’t yell and avoid oversimplifying language.
#3 Create Clarity
Before you contact the person for choosing a time and place, it is important that on your own, you write down somewhere or figure out – articulately and as concisely as possible – what the problem is, how it makes you feel, and why the behavior is making you feel that way. Yes, people perform actions, but many people become combative if you attack them. Addressing a behavior kills two birds with one stone. Being clear with yourself about what, how, and why helps give structure to a discussion and provide both people with confidence.
Second with clarity, be deliberate with word choice, body language, and tone. If you are consciously making decisions about these three things it helps to make these tough conversations go more smoothly and reflect the care that allowed you to be worried about how it would go, from the beginning. If both people are clear, only using words they mean to use, referring to events that have particular relevance to the issue at hand, it will also give clear structure and a progress-oriented trajectory.
#4 Don’t Drill
Don’t rehearse. This tough talk is not a performance, it’s a conversation; a dialogue. It’s not a platform where both parties are able to state their side and then determine, in a zero-sum manner, who won or lost. The goal of the tough talk, and individual preparation, is to make sure both parties come to an understanding. So don’t rehearse. Don’t drill reponses to hypothetical statements; know the what, how, and why. That’s it. This prevents people from closing off, and shutting done.
#5 Explain
Use “I” affirmative statements. Not “you” negative statements. Use “I want,” or “I need,” or “I would like for…” or “It’s important for me to see…” instead of their negatives. Using “You need to,” or “You have to,” or “I’m tired of you not,” or “You must..” creates a one-way dialogue of imperatives. Even if you are in a position of power, you shouldn’t abuse it. Affrimative statements make sure that your what, how and whys are communicated without alienating or scolding the other individual. This helps to prevent people from becoming combative, lashing out, or shutting down – all zero, ineffective solutions.
Explain yourself and your feelings. No need to create negative space and sentiments; remember, you can only control yourself, so only talk about the aspects of the behavior you would like to see change.
#6 Stay Positive
Pessimism doesn’t save relationships; it dooms them. You must stay positive – in your word choice, and your body language. If you go into a conversation already closed-off, and not open to hearing the other individual’s what, how and why then the tough talk will become that much more tough, and probably lead to ineffective solutions. Stay positive; your use of affirmative language will also help with this aspect.
#7 Know Yourself (Your Hot Topics)
Spend some time, before you approach the individual to set up a time and place for the discussion, reflecting on the situation or the behavior that has caused you to become aggrieved. One thing in particular a person needs to accomplish when defining the behavior, is that you should also be learning about yourself. You need to answer what, how, and why for your “hot button” topics.
Define the what, how, and why about something in the situation or behavior that will make you upset and make a plan for how to efficiently address the hot topic without sacrificing your preparation. When you go into an argument or discussion already aware of what will trigger you into a combative, personalized, defensive state you are able to spot almost immediately the beginning signs of a trigger. The same goes for your individual. When both people are operating within this framework, the possibility of a smooth solution is not far off!
#8 Practice Practicality
Last but not least – come ready with you, to the appropriate place and time, practical expectations for what you expect, and how you expect the solution to be reached. Consider very strongly and thoroughly at this step – what are the appropriate and practical aspects of a potential solution for the parties’ individuals. In practicing practicality, compromise is crucial. Think about: in as few words, steps, and with as few resources as possible, what solution would be appropriate for all individuals involved. Not “right” and not “convenient.” Pick what is appropriate and work from there.
Be practical – have practical expectations for both yourself and the opposition and not too much could go haywire.
Lastly, evaluate. After you have had the tough talk, from anxiety to resolution to solution hopefully, and after taking time away from the talk, wait at least a couple days so that you can see if your compromise, while being put into play, is solving the issue. Go back to the drawingboard, as it were, if it isn’t. If it is, applaud each other.
Then go wait for a couple seconds for another issue to present itself and repeat the cycle. By the end of your college career, you’ll be ready to begin to tackle “Tough Talks in the Work Place!”
Goodbye for now!