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1) Realizing that the crazy rush of emotions and anxiety we feel when we think about having a difficult discussion shouldn’t be thought of as negative; rather, it’s an important process, demonstrating how much care you feel about the person and the relationship. Because it’s completely natural to have disagreements, it should be equally as natural to have resolutions. It’s a myth that a good relationship means no fighting or arguing. Unless you’re dating yourself, talking to yourself, or working with yourself as a one-person island, you shouldn’t always and forever think, speak and feel the exact same thoughts, words and emotions as another person. And come on, let’s be honest – most of us argue with ourselves more often than we’d like to admit.
2) Having tough talks and resolutions in relationships, no matter the nature, is a marathon kind of thing. Not a sprint. There’re hurdles and the terrain changes on you, so you have to adapt and change your approach in order to handle it well and get to the finish line, but it’s still one long race. Every relationship we have is a separate and unique marathon; there may be similarities but there are also differences and when addressing a conflict you should avoid like the plague sweeping generalizations and assumptions that will be only make the tough talk tougher. The language we use, the references, location and tone we use to confront a conflict should all hinge upon, and only upon, that relationship.
Now, in the words of notable New York native Jay-Z, on to the next one.
For this second part, we will answer why tough talks are torturous.
#1 For starters, there is the vulnerability. We still go through the cycle of emotions even during the tough talk. Now, don’t confuse the action “being open” with the emotional state of “being vulnerable.” Too often these phrases are used interchangeably. Vulnerable is a self-reflective adjective; to say you’re vulnerable means you are personally opening yourself to the possibility of being emotionally, or physically, harmed. That is terrifying. But when confronting conflict, this is not the same thing as “being open.” “Laying yourself bare,” as in exposing your emotional state is not the same as “being open.” People fear the vulnerability and this often times impedes their ability to be open for a tough talk – “being open” means making a concerted effort to have a conversation about, and create a resolution for, the conflict in spite of possibly being harmed.
#2 The unknown. Take every phrase you’ve ever heard about “the unknown,” and insert it here. Once we get past the hurdle of being vulnerable, and then extend our vulnerable selves into being open we can confront the external anxiety: the unknown. We set out on this great race of confronting a conflict but we don’t know where it’s going, where we will end.
Rightfully so, but just like the cycle of emotions we mentioned before, contrary to popular belief, it’s perfectly fine to feel unsure about how an issue will be resolved; the fact that you’re worried about it, once again, demonstrates that you care enough about the person and the relationship to pre-worry about how things will end. Insert all of the other factors that make each marathon unique and you wind up with several different possibilities with how something could end, what could happen and it’s understandable why people quit, turn back or give up. Best advice: remain calm and make a plan. While you can’t control other people, you can control yourself and your own emotions: when you do everything within your power to make a conversation go as smoothly as possible, it’s difficult to miss. They’ll appreciate it.
#3 Lastly, the Fear of Failure which leads to the Fear of Effects – this one is humongous. Otherwise known as “What will this mean?” or “How will this affect me/them/us?”, these are the “what if” questions that are centered around the effects of the confrontation.
The vulnerability before is internal; the unknown is external and simultaneous with the discussion; and the Fear of Failure is the reason why talks are tough when we’re having them – because we wind up worrying about the effects of the conversation, versus focusing on having the actual discussion. And there are long-term, potential effects: we may lose credibility, authority, trust or self-worth, and most people believe that completely avoiding the discussion altogether is an efficient way to avoid those potential effects.
It isn’t. In the short-term, it may work; long-term, we B.F Skinner ourselves into negatively reinforcing bad behavior – remove the anxiety by avoiding having the talk, which removes our “what if” plagues. We have to recognize that “what ifs” are real hypothetical, sometimes reasonable, other times irrational, situations that reflect our internal struggle – I know, wordsy. Simply, “what ifs” are the ways through which we articulate our fears in order to work through them. Phrase of the day – you’ve got it – this is not a bad thing. Understand that these anxieties reflect your care, and let your actions speak clearly in order to reflect it.
There are more reasons out there. There are other factors and characteristics of situations which make our tough talks and conflicts unique. What do we take away? We have to change the way that we negatively associate having tough talks with anxiety and fear and realize that these are perfect opportunities to develop some amazing critical people-skills. Tough talks are prime opportunities to become solution-savvy problem solvers and to deepen our quotidienne interactions by letting the individual know how much we care; take the time to have the tough talk.
Now, we move on to the last step: how do you actually talk in the tough talk to make it easier?
Stay tuned as we answer this question and provide some basic steps and important points for confronting your conflicts in a healthy, effective manner.
Until next time!