It’s human nature to seek closure or a sense of resolution in any given situation. We want explanations for situations we don’t understand. For me, if I don’t get closure in a situation, I become consumed by it. This often leads to an unhealthy mental state and hurt feelings, because I find it difficult to move forward without closure.
In high school, I had a friend who I had been friends with for over five years. We shared many amazing experiences together, laughed and bonded. One day, our friendship began to change in a negative way and I heard rumors of her talking behind my back. I confronted her about the rumors, but she denied them. It turned out she was lying, and our friendship had become even more toxic. I felt alone and hurt, and I wanted an apology. Over time, I tried to reach back out to her, but instead, I was on the receiving end of the silent treatment. I was confused because I had only ever given her respect, love and support. When I realized that she was not going to communicate with me, I needed to find a way to move forward on my own. I couldn’t wait forever for her to reach out to me. I had way more respect and pride for myself. It was also important for me to realize that she came into my life for a reason, but she wasn’t meant to stay and that is okay.
In my first year of university, I met someone that I was instantly attracted to. There was a period of time that I was infatuated with this person, which is why I was hurt when our relationship ended. I was actually on the receiving end of being ghosted. Again, I was confused, hurt and angry. I never confronted the situation immediately and just took it slow. A few days later, we bumped into each other and our interaction felt awkward, but he still invited me to hang out with him and his friends later that night. He also told me to bring some of my friends, and I thought this was odd because he had been ghosting me for a week.
Long story short, he ended up hitting on one of my friends that night. With all my built-up rage, I paid him a visit the next day and confronted him about his behaviour towards me. I thought I deserved more respect than that and I wasn’t comfortable with this loose relationship anymore. I didn’t want to be just one of the many options for him to choose from. In the end, he couldn’t commit and asked that I would just stick around and wait for him to come back to me. I respected myself enough to say no and walk away. As hurt as I was, I didn’t want to say no because I really liked him and thought I would never find someone else after him. I was scared and hurt because I was vulnerable with him and I hadn’t shared that with anyone else. I felt empty inside and this temptation to want to crawl right back to him. I needed closure. Why did he just ghost me out of the blue like that? What changed between us? I will never know. I worked on myself until I got to a place of peace and found the closure I needed. Fast forward a few years later, I am in a healthy relationship, with someone better who shows me much more respect and love, which makes me happier than I was before.
The last situation I had been in, where I couldn’t find closure, was with another friend. We were pretty close but one day we got into an argument. It led to me wanting space in our friendship, and we didn’t speak for a while. A month later he passed away and I was left feeling sad, hurt and guilty. How could I ever make amends with him? I couldn’t cope with his death, as he was a kind and sweet soul, and I just felt the guilt on my shoulders of never giving him a chance. How could I find closure in this situation? I think it was important for me to remind myself of all the good memories we shared and to honor his memory by spreading his kindness. I thought about what I could change about myself so that I could be free from the wondering, questioning and guilt. In doing so, I learned to find closure within myself, instead of looking to someone else to give it to me.
It is an important lesson to learn, that you can’t rely on closure from others. Chances are you are not going to get the apology you want or the answers you are seeking. If you need closure from a situation, dwelling on it will hurt you more. Recognize that closure comes from within and move on by choosing how you react to a situation. Take control back of your thoughts and emotions. Write a letter, talk with people you trust, find a way to meditate or even write an article about it for Her Campus. The last method really helps!