As most people can agree, getting waxed isn’t a very fun experience, especially if it involves your delicate downstairs area. As someone who has had her fair share of Brazilian waxes, I’ve noticed a trend in the thoughts I have before, during, and after the whole process.
1. “Well, it looks like it’s that time again.”
If you get into the habit of sporting the hair down there in a certain…style, then you’ll know the moment I’m talking about. Or maybe you just wanna switch things up a bit and get things down there ready for bathing suit season. Either way, you catch that flash in the bathroom mirror coming out of the shower, taking note of the impressive lady garden that’s being sported between your legs.
2. “Just get it over with, it isn’t a big deal.”
I always put it off, even though I know if I want to get it done it’s always easier to just bite the bullet and get it over with.
3. “Thank God for online appointment booking.”
I’m thankful that I go to a waxing place that offers this option, so I don’t have to have a conversation over the phone about my hair removal preferences.
4. “I’m sure it’ll be fine if my regular esthetician can’t do it.”
There’s always that moment of uncertainty when you don’t know whether to wait for your regular girl to get back from vacation in two weeks, or go with a stranger that you’ve never had take care of your wax the next day.
5. “Why am I taking off my shirt, oh my god. Just pants, only your pants.”
I’m ashamed to say that I’ve done this more than once. Don’t ask me why, the action of undressing must feel incomplete to me or something when I just remove my pants. Or, I just like to humiliate myself as much as possible. Take your pick.
6. “Now for the awkward part. No big deal.”
Doing the awkward, half-naked shuffle to the table and scooting your bare butt into the right position isn’t the greatest, but it’s fine. Just take that big breath and it’ll be over before you know it.
7. “Please stop commenting on my pubic hair.”
My legs are spread and my hoo-ha is on display to a woman I’ve only exchanged words about the weather to. Yet, there is always some mention about the situation I have going on down there. Thank you, miss wax lady, for pointing out things I’m already very well acquainted with, and remarking that my visible sensitive skin/naturally red hair will make this hurt ten times more than most people. Awesome!
8. “Okay, first strip is always the worst. Prepare yourself-”
I am never prepared for the first strip. One of my legs usually jerks in surprise and I have to hold back a not so charming grunt and a string of curses.
9. “I hate making small talk, stop saying any words to me right now.”
It’s always situations where I’m uncomfortable that people seem to insist on making small talk with me. I cannot, for the life of me, focus on a word you’re saying about The Bachelor when you’re literally yanking my hair out by the root with hot wax.
10. “This woman is a monster and this is the worst decision I have ever made.”
You either get someone who is as gentle as possible with your vjayjay, or Voldemort, if he opened up a salon for muggles.
11. “Not the clitoral area, no, no no…”
The moment when they spread the wax down that area, press on the strip, and pull, you know it’s all over from there.
12. “This is the end.”
It gets to a point where I question how much longer this can go on before I have no more lady bits left to speak of, and I’m just a Barbie with an unidentifiable space between my legs.
13. “Here is where I lose all of my dignity.”
The last part of the appointment is always the most embarrassing. You know it means it’s going to be over soon, but when you pull your knees up and she gets down to business on the last of your intimate areas, you physically clench from head to toe and wonder who invented this practice, to begin with.
14. “Why must she pat me down with powder like I’m a baby.”
Look, I know there’s a reason for this step, but just let me leave.
15. “It’s finally over?”
Numb, with quaking thighs, I hobble like an elderly woman over to my pants and shoes ready to leave this torture chamber as quickly as possible.
16. “My loins are actually on fire.”
My skin feels like red ants are lighting small fires on various areas of my womanhood. What’s that? Just a burning itch creeping up the most uncomfortable areas so you have to fight every urge to scratch it like a caveman in public.
17. “I left a pretty large sweat imprint on that paper she’s hastily changing.”
It’s always flattering to see the large sweat imprint I leave on the disposable paper they have to change after every appointment. Nothing sexier than fear and the physical remnants of my pain.
18. “I can’t sit down but that wasn’t so bad.”
Sitting down for the first time is always a sensitive process.
19. “Aloe vera is nature’s gift.”
Without the blessing of aloe vera, I would never be able to go back again.
20. “10/10 would recommend.”
After it’s all said and done, things look pretty fabulous down there. I always can’t remember why I made such a big deal out of it before.
No matter what your pubic hair preference, it’s yours for a reason, so leave it in whatever way you feel most comfortable. If you get waxed, you have my sympathy.