The first time that I had a good day after my mom died, I cried uncontrollably and had a panic attack. It was about three weeks after she passed. One of my best friends and I went to a zoo where we were able to feed giraffes (and I love giraffes). We spent the whole time laughing and having fun to the point that I actually forgot my mom died. When I got home, all I could think about was that I couldn’t wait to tell my mom all about my day. When I realized that she wasn’t at home, at first, I thought that she was just out or at work and that she’d be back soon. As soon as the realization hit me that she wouldn’t be coming home, I completely broke down over a combination of things. The main one obviously being that I lost my mom and it really hit me that I wouldn’t see her again. I also felt guilty that I forgot for a couple of hours. I felt guilty that I was happy and that I had a good day when she was no longer here. Now, looking back, it seems silly to have thought like that, but it’s a very real feeling that comes with loss and grief.
There have been countless times where I’ve felt guilty for moving forward in my life and continuing to live, even though I know that’s exactly what my mom would want. I think that for the longest time, I felt that moving forward meant that I was moving on and that’s absolutely not the case. Just because we move forward with our grief, doesn’t mean that we’ve moved on from those that we lost or even from grief itself.
It’s been just over two and a half years since my mom passed away and I’ve utilized many resources to try and understand grief. From therapy sessions, support groups, books and I’m even taking a class on grief to try and develop a better understanding of the complexity of it. While all those resources have been helpful, the truth is that grief is complex and there’s no right or wrong way to experience it. Grief is something that is ongoing, and it unfortunately never ends. I’ve often compared it to a roller coaster. It’s truly all over the place; it has its ups, downs and can often flip your life upside down when you least expect it. Some days are good, and some days are horrible. You can even have a series of really good days and think that you’ve “healed” but then feelings of grief come back stronger than ever.
I think that society makes us feel like grief is something that we first experience in the moment of loss and that it’s a feeling that goes away after a while and we’re suddenly “healed.” About three months after my mom died, I was expressing my feelings to someone who was a friend and they responded with “It’s been three months, you’re still not over it?” At first, I thought that maybe something was wrong with me and that I should’ve moved on by then. Now, I realize how ridiculous that was. Maybe she responded like that because we were only 18 at the time and she never lost someone close to her before, so she didn’t understand how grief works. But I think that another reason is because grief has become such a taboo topic. For some reason, it’s some weird thing to talk about, particularly after the first few months after a loss, despite it being a universal experience. There has also somehow become a notion that you grieve for a short period of time and then you’re healed and can move on, which I personally think is so stupid because grief isn’t something you can move past; you have to move forward with it.
Grief is a journey, not a destination. Understanding that moving forward doesn’t mean that you’re moving on is truly an important part of the process. Grief moves forward with us, it’s always there. It never gets easier to experience but at some point, it somehow gets easier to do.