Questions About Coming Out:
When did you realize you were into girls? Did it just suddenly dawn on your or did you always kind of know?
I think it is different for everyone, but for me, I would say I always knew I liked girls. What I didn’t know is that I didn’t like boys. When you have been raised is a society that is super heteronormative, it is easy to assume that being with a guy is the natural thing. It was only when I really pursued my sexuality that I figured it all out.
Have you been with guys before? What was that like for you?
I had two boyfriends in high school. They were amazing guys and at that point in my life, they were exactly what 16-year-old me needed and wanted. Not all relationships last forever, and realistically who I was then is nothing like who I am now. Whether I was gay or not, they probably would not have worked out.
What has been the worst and the best part of discovering your sexuality?
Best experience: Figuring it out. I think I felt really lonely and broken for a long time. I was not sure why I didn’t like any of the cool guys that I tried to get to know. I did not understand why I didn’t develop emotional or physical feelings for perfectly fine gentlemen. Once I figured out what I wanted, in not only a woman but in a person, it made falling in love and being in love that much more amazing.
Worst experience: I have two things. One: I had an incredible best friend who had developed feelings for me and I just could not reciprocate them. I wanted to want him in the same way, but it just never happened. I never actually came out to him personally, I just started dating women, and I sincerely regret not having the conversation with him that possibly dissipated our relationship. Two: I also had a roommate in second year that was gay, and she and I did not get along at all. I knew I was gay when I moved in, but because of my incredibly negative experience with her, I did not pursue it in any way. I was afraid that she would stop me from meeting anyone in the lesbian community, or make fun of me if I tried. I regret wasting that year of my life by not being my complete self, and I regret caring about what she thought in any way.
Was it easy coming out to your family and friends? Were they supportive?
I am extremely lucky. I have an incredible family who was supportive from day one and told me that as long as the person I was dating was kind, loving and intelligent, they did not care which gender they were. My friends were the same. They did not care, although they were quite surprised. I did find that I lost a few heterosexual friends, but not because of prejudice because we had less in common. I have gained many amazing LGBTQ friends since, and they understand that part of my life.
Did you ever feel uncomfortable growing up when your friends all started talking about boys constantly?
Actually, no. I liked hearing about my friends’ interests and love lives. Over time, some of my straight friends and I lost touch due to not having the ability to talk about boys, or me feeling awkward sharing about girls, but the true, long-term friends will always be around!
Questions About Bisexuality, Pansexuality and All Fluidity:
Where do you find potential partners? I’m bisexual but I’m dating a guy and haven’t been with girls. I feel like I haven’t met many lesbian or bi girls and I’ve always wondered about that!
I wish I had a better answer for you than Tinder… but I do not. This is the most difficult problem for the lesbian and bisexual community. It is difficult to meet people, and the community is so small that most lesbians know each other, which makes things complicated, to say the least. Over time, as you get older, you might start to notice more, but it, unfortunately, is a very small dating pool, especially since a lot of girls are not out. There is also an app called Her, tailored to female relationships, but it is also quite limited since we are in a smaller city. Unless you go to gay bars in Toronto (my favourite is Crews), you are stuck in the online dating sector.
How do you know if you’re a lesbian vs. bisexual? From a fellow gay gal.
I believe there is a spectrum, and my friends and I do not speak about anyone assuming that they are 100% one way or another, nor that they are strictly 50/50. It is completely unrealistic to believe that sexuality is so cut and dry. Personally, I would say I’m 95% into girls and 5% into guys. The reason I level it that way is because I don’t believe that I could never like a man again, but it would likely be based on his personality almost entirely. You are able to choose your identity, and I choose to identify as a lesbian. I would say that it is important to be with someone because of the emotional connection, and see if the physical connection follows suit. If you like someone, it won’t matter what their gender is.
How do I turn down a girl who’s hitting on me when I’m straight?
LOL. I would just say you’re not interested and that you are straight. Be honest, most women will understand and will be, frankly, used to it. But if you get a woman who is more persistent, act as you would with any other unwanted sexual advance, walk away.
Is it okay to be attracted to girls physically, if you know you are straight?
Yes of course it is! Sexuality and attraction doesn’t have to be black and white. If you identify as a straight female, there is nothing wrong with being attracted to the same sex physically. That is how my sexuality started out; I was curious about my attraction towards women, but it is not like that for everyone. Always feel welcome to explore what you’re feeling!
I’m a straight woman, but I’m sexually attracted to girls. I just don’t connect on an emotional level so I don’t think that I could be in a relationship with another girl. What does this mean?
I have heard this before, but I think it can also be person to person (there are a lot of guys that are not great either haha). It is important that you should just focus on meeting someone you do connect with emotionally, and you should also make sure that your view is not skewed by societal standards and expectations that may keep you from connecting to a woman. Although it could be fun, even if it isn’t an emotional connection, to have sex with a woman, as long as the terms are understood and it is consensual.
Questions About Dating:
Have you ever hit on someone straight?
I don’t think so (maybe if I had a lot of liquid courage). I have always been very delicate in separating potential partners from friends. I have a lot of very beautiful straight friends, and I would never want to blur the line or make them uncomfortable, so I have just gone for women who already know their sexual identity.
How do you know when a girl is hitting on you vs. just being friendly?
Ugh, the existential question every lesbian has. There is no system forever knowing, but over time you learn social cues and references that might mean that a girl wants you as more than a friend. Usually, I just ask if they have a boyfriend or try to learn more about them and see where it goes, but sometimes you literally have to be flirty or just ask.
Do you ever feel attracted to straight girls? Do you ever do anything about it?
Physically yes, I’ve been attracted to straight girls, but it never goes much further than that. Of course, you could develop feelings for any person, of any gender or sexual orientation, but I find it very attractive when I know a girl is interested in me and wants me the same way I want her. With straight girls, I know this isn’t the case and so that usually plays a role in why I don’t or wouldn’t ever do anything about it.
What are the perks of being a lesbian? Boys are so annoying and I hate that I love them so there’s that…
Haha, women can be annoying too, but there are some perks.
- The toilet seat is never left up.
- We have doubled our wardrobe.
- No. Pregnancy. Scares.
- Soft skin.
- No hair.
- No one cares if there is hair.
- Boobs.
- They know what they’re doing down THERE.
- And everything is foreplay…
- Multiple on multiple on multiple orgasms?
- It is literally scientific that lesbians have more orgasms than any other sexual orientation.
- Every night is girl’s night out.
- Lesbians commit (arguably too quick, but at least everyone is on the same page and there is no games).
- No one asks questions if you go into a bathroom stall together…
- Did I mention multiple orgasms?
Do you feel that lesbian relationships, even though both parties are female, there are still gender roles? Like one partner is a little more female and the other more male (in terms of dominance, holding open the door, killing the spider?)
I do not like to call them gender roles because that terminology is very archaic, but there are definitely differences between who is the more dominant individual in different aspects of my relationship. My girlfriend has a much more boyish style than me, but I would say I am the more dominant in bed, and I am ALWAYS the one killing the spider. I think those typical gender roles don’t really exist in heterosexual relationships, people just expect them. I also just hope that any decent person would hold open the door for someone, out of pure curtesy. F**K gender roles.
Does having a female partner give you an immediate advantage in understanding your partner over having a male partner?
This is a big rumour. While women tend to be more upfront about their feelings than men can be, there are still all of the same issues that occur in any relationship. Getting to know someone is difficult, and all you can do is show interest and express your feelings.
What’s your favourite thing about being in a relationship with another woman? What is the most difficult part?
Favourite Thing: view perks mentioned above.
Most Difficult Part: when your cycles sync up and YOU BOTH GO PYSCHO (seriously, it is crazy scary).
Questions About Sex:
What’s your favourite sexual activity?
This is an interesting question. I have been with the same partner for a year and a half, so we have had the opportunity to explore our sexual relationship. We are extremely open and love to try new things and experiment with different sexual activities, and with that, each activity carries its own level of excitement. As cheesy as it may be, being with her, with just regular lesbian sex, or making love, is the most amazing thing.
How does lesbian sex work/ what is it?
It works better than any other sex you can have…. Hehe. It is sexy and fun and hot and everything you could ever imagine.
What is the sexiest part of a woman?
Hands down, her smile. A woman with a smile that can brighten an entire room, that makes me weak in the knees. Of course, I pretty much love every other aspect of the female body, but it’s the smile that is a game changer for me.
Thinking about going down on a girl slightly grosses me out, is that how you feel about going down on a guy?
Well, okay… not everyone is into everything. And actually, it doesn’t, but penises are scary to most lesbians lol.
I’ve heard you don’t know your gay unless you try, is this true?
Why? Are you looking to find out? ;) JK. It might be for some girls, who just didn’t know it was something that they were interested in, but I think in most cases, some part of the girl knew and it just took physical action to pursue a female relationship. I always recommend exploring your sexual identity and desires in university. It is a care free and judgement free time to figure out who you are and what you want in a long-term relationship.
Do you use sex toys? How did you add them into your sex life without it being super awkward?
THIS IS MY FAVOURITE QUESTION HAH. Yes, yes, I do. A strap on is a regularly used toy in our relationship, and my vibrator is my best friend. We use a multitude of toys and other fun items depending on the activity or the mood. It took a little while to get to know each other before my girlfriend and I brought toys into the bedroom, and we had several conversations about what we wanted or would try together. I think if you want something in bed, it is always good that you talk to your partner about it. If it’s something you want, it will likely make the sex much better. Not to mention that open communication streams will help improve your physical relationship in general. I think if things are too awkward to talk about sex, you should find a partner who is more open and receptive to what you want. No one’s favourite flavour is vanilla.
Living in the LGTBQ+ Community:
What are some of the biggest misconceptions that gay women face?
THAT WE CHOSE THIS. -> no, I did not choose to be a minority, and no, sexuality is not a choice.
That sex doesn’t count… because there is no penis. -> if you believe that sex is only about thrusting penetration, then you are doing it WRONG.
That we want to have a threesome with you and your boyfriend -> just because we like women, does not mean that we are desperate for you and your boyfriend. It really sucks having your sexuality degraded down to a third to every other heterosexual relationship.
That it is just a phase -> I hate this word. Ugh.
That lesbians, “look like a lesbian” -> I am a female, I have tits and a vagina like everyone else, is that WOMAN enough for you?
That we exist to be sexualized by men -> yes, it is hot. No, I will not let you watch.
There is honestly too many to mention!
Is Laurier LGBTQ+ friendly?
Absolutely. I love this campus. It is quaint and kind, and I have never ever felt uncomfortable being myself here. There are incredible resources located in the Diversity and Equity Office (located in Mac House) that provide support for LGTBQ+ people at WLU. There is always progress to be made within the university and the country, but Laurier really is a safe space for LGTBQ+ people. Stop by the Rainbow Centre if you want to get to know more about some of the amazing events that they host to help promote awareness and equity around campus.
Have you ever felt personally oppressed as a lesbian? What happened to make you feel that way?
I have felt both oppressed as a lesbian and as a woman. It can be from a number of things, but it is typically due to a lack of equality or respect within society or individual treatment. It happens more than I would like to admit, but it’s something that I believe will get better over time.
Does anyone ever ask you “who’s the boy and who’s the girl” in the relationship and do you find it offensive?
Yes. A lot. Or they assume I am “the girl” because I am very feminine, or “straight looking” as many would say. I do not get easily offended, but this is an extremely heteronormative statement and just continues to push gender roles that women and feminists are trying to demolish. Yes, my girlfriend often wears Zara men’s and H&M men’s and is rarely seen in a dress, but that is her style not her gender role. Gender stereotypes are annoying, and we are both the girl… THAT IS THE POINT.
What’s the worst question you get asked frequently?
I don’t typically mind questions (hence doing this open questionnaire), because as long as an individual is looking to improve their knowledge and understanding of the LGTBQ+ community, I know it comes from a good place. It is when people act like they know everything about my sexuality that I am bothered. I actually hate going out sometimes because I can’t not get hit on by a large multitude of men, who seriously do not get the point. This sucks, because I love to get dressed up and going dancing with my girls, but I do not want to get groped and constantly have my relationship belittled. When I tell a guy that I am gay, he often will reply “No you’re not” and if he does believe me, he will say that “I just haven’t had the right dick yet” … I wish it was a joke, but it’s seriously an issue. Not just for me, but for all women; men cannot respect the answer “No, thank you,” and I am sick of having to explain myself to strangers who think they have the right to “turn me straight”. Ew.
In terms of sex and protection, when having sex how do lesbians protect themselves against things such as STDs? Is there something that is used or if you are serious with a person do you just opt to get tested?
First, the politically and socially correct answer is a product called dental dams (oral sex condom) that protect you from contracting an STI/STD from oral sex with a woman. Realistically, some STIs and STDs are a little more difficult to contract from lesbian sex (most of them can only be contracted with exchanged sexual organ fluids, which could happen from sharing a penetrated sex toy). Although, you should always do the proper research about what STIs are contractable through oral sex and what plausible symptoms are. I always recommend being tested regularly and asking your partner to do the same, and you should do this no matter what your sexuality or gender is.
What do you think of the lesbian tropes or stereotypes in the LGBTQ+ community? (Ie. Butch, Femme, etc)
I am what you consider a “femme” or a “lipstick lesbian”, but the stereotypes are kinda silly. I wear dresses and makeup, but I really would not want that to define me. They’re kind of like the jock, nerd, prom queen, bad boy, Breakfast Club stereotypes that exist. We are all more than what people see us as.
Thanks for asking all of these questions, ladies. Cheers to girls kissing girls and everything else. Also, if you have not watched the movie ‘Below Her Mouth’… you should.