As young women, one of the first things we learn about sex is that it will hurt—a lot—when we lose our virginities. Not only are we plagued with horror stories from other women with terrible experiences, but we also have to sit through health classes that repeatedly stress “the tearing of the hymen.” Basically, right from the beginning we look at sex as something to dread, and this shouldn’t be the case. In fact, it’s something we should celebrate.
Unfortunately, there are always going to be those women who have terrible “first time” experiences; but we need to realize that this is all based on circumstance. If done right, a woman’s first time can actually be quite pleasurable, which is what we all want.
So how do we make our first time a good time?
Do it with someone you care about, and who cares for you, too.
This is probably one of the most important factors in having a good first experience with sex. Keep in mind, this does not necessarily need to be a boyfriend or girlfriend; it can even be a good friend. Either way, make sure that you legitimately care for this person, and that they care for you as well. The more you care for each other, the more mindful you will be of each other’s experience.
Know the person you’re doing it with.
Caring for someone is one thing; knowing them may be entirely different. I can’t stress enough how important it is to know who you’re having sex with. Make sure that this person is honest with you, and practices safe sex every time. If you have even some doubts, ask them to get tested; if they refuse, then you know not to take the next step. Either way, it’s extremely important to know you can trust this person with not only your body, but also your emotions.
Stay relaxed.
One of the worst things you can do prior to losing your virginity, or having sex in general, is panic or become tense. The more relaxed you are, the looser your muscles will be, which will subsequently make sex easier. If your vaginal muscles are locked and too tight, it will make it that much harder for him to enter you. If you’re struggling to relax because you’re nervous, trying taking a hot bath—not only will this relax your muscles, it will also calm the nerves.
Location is key.
Try not to do this in a bedroom next to your drunk friends. When losing your virginity, you’re going to want privacy—having sex is extremely intimate, and may overwhelm you at first. Doing it somewhere quiet, like your bedroom when your family’s away for the weekend, or his place when his roomies are out, will make all the difference. Not only will you not be worrying if someone will walk in, but you will have the space to experience sex without any interruptions.
Use protection.
Even if you’re on birth control, use a condom. Not only will the lube from the condom help with friction, it will also protect you from any potential STI’s or accidental pregnancies (cause ain’t nobody got time for that). I know they can be a pain, but trust, they’re important. It may also be a good idea to make him pull out when he comes—condoms can be notorious for breaking, so make sure you have a backup.
Have a full bladder.
I know Fifty Shades says the fuller the bladder, the better the orgasm. I’m not too sure if this is true, but either way, it’s important that you have sex when you have at least a partially full bladder. This way, when you’re finished, you are able to urinate. If you don’t flush out the bacteria, you run the risk of a bladder infection (which you can read more about here). Number one rule: always pee after sex.
Do your research.
One way to get excited about your first time is learning more about sex. Personally, my go-to was Cosmo—they have an entire section just for sex and relationships (including positions). While the initial “first” may be uncomfortable, once you have it once, you’re going to want it all the time, and there’s nothing more fun than living out your crazy sex positions or fantasies.
Kissing is important.
Don’t forget to kiss your partner—while you both may be too focused on the technicalities, kissing can help make the experience feel more natural and passionate. Remember—you’re supposed to like each other!
Wear something pretty.
This is completely optional, but sometimes lingerie can help boost a girl’s confidence. You are about to partake in one of the most intimate human experiences, and this is bound to make you nervous and self-conscious. Slipping into a silk nightie or tying up a corset may just be what you need to set the mood for not only the circumstance, but also for yourself.