All Your Christmas Questions Answered! …Maybe…
Its officially December, aka ‘ugly’ Christmas Sweaters, aka SO many excuses for cute Instagram posts.
A White Girl’s excitement for Christmas is equivalent to if Victoria’s Secret combined the Semi-Annual Sale with their Fashion Show.
But in reality, all stereotypes aside, almost everyone loves Christmas (unless you’re a low key Grinch or Scrooge). I mean it’s the Holidays which means you don’t have to go to school and maybe get to go on a cool vacation, what could be better?
For the most part, (I have to make sure I don’t get the same backlash as new red Starbucks cups), everyone is exposed to Christmas growing up. Christmas, and the Holidays, are something that consume every human during this lonely winter month of December. It’s a time of joyous celebration and an excuse to pack on the pounds before you start your New Years Resolution of ‘I just want to lose 5 pounds’.
Growing up surround by Christmas could result in you feeling the need to ask questions you may think are embarrassing, or maybe question you just happen to blurt out which fit with the holiday spirit, but in reality would never be tolerated during any other month…
So, here are 20 White Girl (or not) questions, that probably no one has ever thought of asking, but maybe, somewhere, someone will find these relevant. Either way, hopefully they will spread Christmas cheer:
1. How naughty do I have to be to be considered for the naughty list? And does being on the naughty list make me more attractive to guys?
2. If I’m buying a Secret Santa gift for someone who celebrates Hanukkah, do I have to buy them 8 gifts? (sub question: do we even call is Secret Santa?)
3. Can I wear a cropped ugly sweater to an ugly sweater party?
4. Can it be an ugly dress party so I can buy an oversized sweater aka no pants?
5. So it is socially acceptable to binge eat all month because of these ugly Christmas sweater parties, right?
6. What’s the age limit to do the Mean Girls dance in public? (the limit does not exist)
7. If I buy the Mrs. Clause lingerie from Victoria’s Secret will that make Santa come before the 25?
8. Why aren’t there any Black Friday or Boxing Day sales at the LCBO or Wine Rack?
9. Is it bad if I buy my sister a gift I know she wont like just so I can have it?
10. If I don’t take a selfie in front of my Christmas tree, is it really decorated?
11. Can I throw a tantrum if I don’t get a pony from my parents?
12. Is it bad if I find Santa sexually arousing?
13. How many Starbucks Holiday Drinks do I have to consume before I turn into an elf?
14. Feliz Navidad means something sexual, right?
15. Do these reindeer antlers make me look fat?
16. Is it ok if I don’t wear this flashing Rudolph nose to 12 Bars because it’s going to mess up my contouring?
17. Do I have to worry about cultural sensitivity if ‘ho ho ho’ applies to me all year?
18. Will Santa like me better if I spike his egg nog?
19. Do Christmas cookie calories count?
20. Will the Academic Deans office accept the excuse “I caught my mom kissing Santa Clause”?
In conclusion, here’s a quick ode (of course to a Christmas song) to sum this all up. Here’s to all the things you’ve lost this year:
7 different rings
6 $10 bills
5 coat check tickets
4 different shoes
3 ids
2 different clutches and a White Girl with no dignity
Merry Christmas to all and to all good luck on exams! I mean…. Happy Holidays everybody.