Ever since arriving at Warwick, almost two years ago, I’ve heard a lot about ‘I Heart Consent’ workshops, with coverage in many articles and the Warwick Anti-Sexism Society club night ‘Can’t Touch This’, being a female fronted, queer friendly, zero-tolerance on harassment club night – this is an incredible night and raises so much money for Coventry Rape and Sexual Abuse Centre (CRSAC). However, I would hope, think even, that all club nights were zero tolerance on harassment, on the society’s official tumblr it states “any incidents of harassment result in the harasser being removed with no questions asked.” then goes on to say “the owners of the venue are considering enforcing it themselves!”. This is of course a very positive step but why isn’t think the case anyway. Any person who feels uncomfortable in a club should be able to report whoever is making them feel that way and trust that it will be taken seriously, without the situation having to escalate.
For example, when I was in a club back home over the Easter break a friend of mine watched a man follow me from the dance floor to the bar and when he tried to touch me, putting his arms around me, she came over and got in the way, realising I hadn’t noticed him following me, he then tried it on with her, causing our other friends to come over and after a while of the man not letting up a fight broke out – thankfully my friends and I were allowed to stay and enjoy the night; the man was escorted out but if the bouncers had not taken our claims seriously it could have been that we were kicked out.
More recently, consent and how it is viewed, by everyone, has become a lot more important to me – obviously I always cared but when something affects you, yourself, you care in a very different way. A few experiences in the last term or so have made me realise how I have always had a struggle with consent and dealing with people not accepting no to mean no. Despite being a moderately sexually confident person, I still find it difficult to say no, I am so concerned about hurting my partner’s feelings and them thinking I’m stupid or frigid, that I will put their feelings above my own, and I’m sure many other women have similar anxieties. I have found myself feeling obliged to sexually interact with people before I’m ready to or on days where I simply don’t want to, because “he’s a nice guy and I’ve done things with people I like a lot less”, “I did the same thing whilst drunk last week” or even “I guess that I don’t really mind [going down on him/having sex/whatever], it doesn’t really bother me and it’d make him happy so I might as well” all of which should never be reasons that you engage in sex with someone – have sex as casually, kinkily and as often as you like just as long as you both want it and are not just having it because it isn’t that much of an inconvenience. The fact I’m 20 and still think that it’s easier to go down on someone than let them down is why I, and anyone who has a similar thought process, need to go to consent workshops.
Another reason why these workshops and the consent conversation is so incredibly important and needs to be an open dialogue is to understand what ‘rape’ is and that more people do it than you imagine. Experiences are difficult to share but I know it is so important, so below is the reason I have written this article, I’ve tried to leave out as many feelings as possible and recount the actions as they happened:
I was at Pop! with my course mates and Jack (name changed to protect privacy) was there, Jack’s in the year above, we’ve known him for a year, I trust him, we’re friends, I fancy him. We’re dancing together, we’re both drunk, I lean in and kiss him, and he kisses back. We stop and dance some more – he doesn’t look well so I offer him my water that I got from the bar not long before and ask him if he wants to head outside, we go outside to get some air, he goes to the toilet and asks me to wait outside for him. It’s cold and it feels like he’s gone forever. He looks a lot better when he’s back, cuddles me to keep me warm and then just launches himself on me, I’m confused but enjoying it – this is what I wanted. We’re making out and he says let’s get out of here and leads me from the smoking area through the SU, and then we head home following me asking “are you sure?” and him saying “let’s face it we both know what this is, you’re coming back with me”. We walk to Canley, I live in Leamington, and we both know I can’t get home if I wanted to, not until the buses start again in the morning. At least I have my bag.
We get to his house and the first thing that hits me is the strong smell of weed. I was already doubting this decision and trying to figure out if I can head back to uni before the last bus goes. I decide against it, I like Jack, Jack’s my friend, I trust Jack. His room is an awful mess, the sheet isn’t on the bed properly, there’s only one pillow, I don’t think he even shut the door until I ask him to.
We got to his room and after a while I’m finally in the mood, I ask if he has any condoms, he doesn’t but he does have a “we’ll cross that bridge when it comes to it” attitude – I later find out he doesn’t often ejaculate and so deems them unnecessary – flawed logic but I carry on anyway and we have some very mediocre drunk sex leaving neither of us satisfied but both too tired to go on. Within 10 minutes he turns to me and tells me he has a girlfriend but that it’s ok, it’s an open relationship. Had this been a one night stand I don’t think I’d be too hurt but I know Jack and I thought I’d know something like that. He understands that he’s hurt my feelings and attempts to reassure me with a “if I was single though, I’d definitely date you”…
We both go to sleep.
6am comes and he’s all over me again. I think it might be better than last night and let it happen. It isn’t, I’m in pain and I ask Jack to stop. “Just two more minutes please”. Too tired to force him off me and so resigned into self-hatred knowing he has a girlfriend I passively lay there mustering the courage to ask him to stop again. Eventually he gets bored and stops. We go back to sleep.
Thinking back I wonder why I haven’t left yet. Busses run this early.
When we wake up again I know we need to leave soon and he tries again and when I say no and that I’m too tired he moans that he hasn’t finished and asks if it was that bad. Feeling guilty and obliged, we have sex again.
We head back into uni with him, him moaning that he has “blue balls” and asking me if we can walk into the department separately.
I feel sick thinking about the whole event, I hate myself for not speaking up for myself a bit better and not giving my doubts more thought, but I do know a large proportion of what happened isn’t my fault and what hurts the most is that it was someone I trusted, that I have to see every now and again, that I have to actively walk a different way because I’m scared he’ll be there. Since this happened I have shared what happened with a few people, all of whom have told me to report it but when it comes down to it, I know how hard Jack has worked to get to where he is and I don’t want to jeopardise that, I know I’m lucky that I know he’ll be graduating in a few months and the chances are I’ll never see him again. Nearing the end of term two I bumped into Jack on a night out and confronted him, asked him if he knew what he did really hurt me and isn’t in any way at all. He had no idea.
This is troubling and people should know that they can speak up for themselves; that they are worth more than what this person thinks of them. This is why I think the Disrespect Nobody campaign using talking body parts to talk about relationship abuse (seen on Channel 4, aired on national radio and in other accessible places) is so important and making this dialogue, that I have spoken about, far more open and really drives the message across. However, there is some issues with it that I have noticed – it only focuses on heterosexual relationships with the male being in the position of power. Clearly this is not the case and everyone should know that they can speak out about relationship abuse but at least it is a start but this campaign has made me incredibly aware of gender representations – and is why I’ve illustrated this article with gender neutral peas.
Let’s face it, sex is best between two (or more, whatever you’re into!) happy, consenting parties, so stay safe, have fun and only ever do things that you are comfortable with!
Useful Links:
http://www.crasac.org.uk/; https://www.disrespectnobody.co.uk/